Girls (and guys) know. Dating sucks. There are losers slinking out of every hidden corner, just waiting to buy you a drink before they let their freak flag fly proudly. These are my adventures in both traditional and on-line dating. Pull up a chair, laugh till you pee, and live vicariously through my loser-filled adventures. And please note...this blog is rated R for language and sexual content.

Friday, May 4, 2012

Dry spell

I'm finding myself in a bit of a dry spell recently.  On purpose.  I have no mood for dating.

Of course, saying I'm in no mood for dating is counter productive for a dating blog, so I did accept an invitation to dinner from the Russian Spy.  (And in doing a quick search on my blog for the Russian Spy date recap, I realize I failed to write about him, which means I have nothing time stamped and I'll probably end up making the date of the date - ha! - up.)

I do remember wearing a sweater and open toe shoes, so I'm guessing it was around early fall last year.  Let's just go with that, shall we?

He picked me up.  In our prior conversations, which lasted much longer than I usually allow due to his military travel schedule, I found out that he came to the US as a 16-year old with his family and immediately became a US Citizen.  After high school he joined the military and completed medical school and is currently a scientist for the Army, researching really bad stuff like infectious diseases and weapons of mass destruction. 

OK - that kinda sounds like a big turn off right there, but when he showed up to pick me up and I got in his tricked out car with the heated tushy seats and apologized for having to call his grandmother in my presence...then proceeded to have an entire conversation in the sexiest Russian I have ever heard...well, I was hooked.  Our date went so splendidly that evening that I was able to see my very first (and only) uncircumcised penis. 

We made plans for a second date to a very fancy place in town for the next weekend, which he then cancelled on me claiming he had to travel.  We spoke a couple of times afterwards, then I wrote him off because he really didn't have time for a relationship, or at least not the kind that I wanted.

He easily faded into the background. 

Just recently, he's resurfaced.  Not sure why.  But, he sent me a text asking how things were.  I told him about the new job I was starting and how I was nervous.  He very boldly said that he was going to take me out to celebrate.


Then, he disappeared again, with moments of "I didn't forget about you" texts every couple of weeks. 

Our second date went into effect Friday night.  He once again picked me up and we once again went to the same bar we had our first date at.  Yawn!  I have got to mention one of my pet peeves - don't ask a girl out then NOT have a plan!  If you go so far as to ask me out and pick me up, please just make a plan to go somewhere YOU pick - and stop asking me where I would like to go.  I could care less where we go really...but I am interested to see what kind of effort you put in.

It then dawned on me that I may have been incredibly intoxicated that last time we went out, because 1. I thought the Russian Spy was hot, 2. I thought he was interesting and 3. I thought he had a full head of hair.  He basically spent the whole time telling me about all of the other dates he went on since the last time he saw me.  (Apparently he takes a liking to social workers - of which I am not.) 

I shit you not, I almost walked out of there...until I remembered that I didn't drive myself.  It also has made him crazy that I didn't invite him in, only gave him a goodbye kiss on the cheek and didn't respond to his first text the next day.  Instead of getting the hint that the chemistry wasn't there, he's trying harder.  That whole conversation is not one that I am looking forward to.

Monday, April 16, 2012

Running into the arms of another

The weekend started off perfectly with a sexy invitation for a get-a-way in a semi remote, yet very public past-Olympic location.  I drove for my secret rendezvous after work on Friday and made it in time to get him out of the hotel room and into the locker room for the second game of his tournament.  Then watched with pride from the bleachers at the man I would be spending the night with as he did his thing. 

That evening was an interesting dance of calculated missteps - bypassing teammates in a gentle game of chess.  Or, Russian Roulette.  Because as I am so often reminded, he's married

I used to get upset when I saw his looking over my shoulder, or turning his back to me at the bar, or walking behind/in front of me.  Now, almost 4 years later, it's par for the course.  I've grown used to the disassociation and sadly, it just doesn't bother me anymore.  I play the part well - if he spots someone he knows, I slip out sight unseen and wait for him to tell me its safe again.  Or, I turn my chair around and strike up a conversation with whatever person(s) may be on the other side of me.  In fact, I did it so well on Friday night that even he was amazed at my seamless transition into the crowd (and the fact that I was "hiding" under his nose). 

It's a sad existence.

I deserve better.

I know this.  I deserve someone who will take me out and WANT to be seen with me.  Someone who's hand I can hold ANYWHERE. 

Being so good at the Houdini act leads to stress elsewhere.  That stress comes out when I am drunk.  I have moments of Jekyll and Hyde, when one minute I am all fine and dandy and the next minute I am asking him "Do you love me?"  It rains on the entire parade because he never answers that question anymore and then I start to get tears in eyes, which I try to promptly hide.  The mental damage inside of me is already done.

This behavior came out on Saturday night around 4am, only this time I couldn't hold back the tears, much less hide them.  It caused a blow up.  He told me to leave.  I gathered my things, then said I needed to go for a walk.  He laughed at me, rolled over and turned his back to me and started to snore.  I left for my walk, but really just went in search for a cigarette.  I was angry, embarrassed and humiliated. 

Walking down the halls of the hotel, which was teaming with athletes even at 4am, I came across a group of guys chatting.  They saw me coming and stopped talking.  I must've looked a hot mess - hair all tangled, eyes red and searching for a smoke like a frickin crack whore!  Luckily, they took pity on me and one of them went into the room, coming out with two cigarettes and his arm for me to hold as he ushered me outside to the carport.

We sat talking and smoking for a couple of minutes.  I became a blabbering fool and basically spilled the beans on not only the evening, but the entire situation.  He played the game and told me that I deserve better.  That I'm beautiful.  That my hair smells amazing.  He touched my knee and leaned in to kiss me.  I let him and one-upped him by pulling him closer to me.  He took me inside and we found a dark corner right outside of the lobby and made out for about a half an hour.  I know that he saw me as a vulnerable female - as someone he could probably fuck very easily - but at that moment, I needed what he was giving me...knowing it would go no further.

I placed my hand on his cheek, wished him luck in his medal game (in 4 hours!) and walked away. 

I ran some lotion through my hair, got naked and slid into bed.  I wrapped myself around the man I have been hoping would choose me.  I suspect he knew I had returned and was making a point to be "asleep."  Luckily, slumber took me away without a hassle. 

Waking up the next morning I realized that at some point during the night (morning?) I had removed myself from him and was teetering on the edge of the mattress.  Scooting over woke him and the whole argument started again, only this time I was lost to the specifics and couldn't even get my point across.  Then he said the words "I think this has run its course." 

Run its course.  Thrown out like used garbage.  His decision. 

You know what makes me emotional as I type this?  He said the words so easily.  He had the same tone and ease as if he was saying "I feel like eggs for breakfast."  The past four years, the sacrifices I've made to keep this relationship secret, the stock pile of his favorite beer at my house, the daily and nightly phone calls, the hundreds of thousands of texts, the saving him from his drunkenness, the love I gave him without the expectation of return because of the circumstance...nothing mattered.

I watched him pack up his belongings for the trip home in silence with even more tears streaming down my face.  (When will those dry up, BTW?) 

I tried to hug him.  It wasn't returned. 

Used.  Vulnerable.  Broken.  All words to describe me right at this very moment. 

Can I continue on without him?  Yes.  Yes, I can.  I'm sure that I will land on my feet - and hell, I've been dating for the entire length of our relationship...but he has been my rock.  I really thought that I held a place in his heart, but I think the realization that I never did is finally hitting me. 

Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Intellectual Inequality, Part II

Remember when I wrote the post about the guy who was more than a little dumb?  Well, sometimes in life, it works both ways.

I was the victim of my own intellectual inequality last night.

Although I didn't feel dumb and I was able to be a part of the conversation, there were several times when I had to ask the guy "You know're going to have to explain that a little further." 

I did chuckle and poke a little bit of fun at him during one point when I asked him if he had ever broken any bones - after he revealed that he was the youngest of three boys.  He started naming off bones in the wrist and ankle, and I was all "Hey buddy!  I broke a couple of bones also, but I'm just going to name off the body part and let you guess which exact bone it was." 

But, he did seem to find humor and entertainment in my musings even if he did have to make a conscience effort to dumb down his vocabulary for me. 

I also want to note that he was a huge flirt...and flirting really is a language that crosses all boundaries.  He's a subtle winker, and every time he did it, it made me a smile.  Partly because it wasn't creepy, but also because I don't even think he realized he was doing it!  He got to the bar early and texted me to tell me as much - when I was parking, I let him know and when I arrived at the table, he had already ordered my drink.  It will be interesting to see if he contacts me again. 

Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Lying sacks of shit.

Since when did "I'll call you tonight" become "I think I'll fall off the face of the planet and leave you hanging, thinking about what you may have done wrong while I reveal in the fact that your ego was taken down a notch or two"? 

It's always been that way?

I can't put my frustration about this particular situation into words just yet...but instead, I'll share my thoughts on a dating story submitted by one of my dear friends, who is also single and has just about as much luck as I have. 

So, Firecrotch (a clever nickname, if I do say so myself) is on  Now I refuse to pay for the chance to go on bad dates, so I have no idea if it's actually any better than the free ones I use - but she's been on it for a while now and she goes through boyfriends like dirty underpants, so I'm thinking NOT.  However, she even admits that "A girls gotta eat" and that she's on it pretty much just meet people for free food (and the occasional sexual escapade - that's my addition...not actually admitted by Firecrotch!).   
Before we delve into the date, let's all agree that my comments will be highlighted in PINK. 

This guy seemed plenty nice.  His profile was pretty ordinary and standard - kind of like an unimaginative cut and paste job:  Drama free, new to the dating world, trying out this "internet thing..." Blah Blah Blah...
Yeah, because no one wants to admit that they've been on the same dating site for years on end.  That reminds me...I should delete my account and start over since I have officially been on now for a year and am starting to look undateable.  LOL   

His stats, again, were average with decent looking pictures.  He claimed to be 5'10'' which is an OK height.

I want to add that Firecrotch is like 5'7'' and 5'8'' but has a soft spot for shorter, kinda chubby guys, even though she's a fox.  She also has a thing for greasy Italians.  I tried to set her up with the Wingman once, which I thought was a good match, but she was having none of that shit and I had to drag her out of the public bathroom so she could dump him publicly. 
The conversation lasted for three days...via text (ding ding ding) and we decided to grab dinner at a local was broke anyways and he offered to pay.  He was actually very nice, so I was looking forward to the date.  Looking back over his profile and his noted height, I dressed to impress, including a sexy-ass pair of heels and skinny jeans.

I planned my arrival to be right on time and waited.  He's late.  I grab us a table and continue to wait. He waltz's in about 10 minutes late and makes no mention of why he's late.  So, I ask.  He says it's no big deal, but he just had to finish his beer in the car before coming in.  Seriously?!  You were driving with an open container and that's no big deal? 

He needed to pre-game!   

Then, I took a good look at him.  Definitely NOT 5'10''.  More like 5'5", if that.  LIAR!  He also had the most busted face I had ever seen on a human.  He had what I affectionately call a "nomad forehead" - a forehead where the brow bone sticks out as far as his nose.  Interesting ape-like profile. 

Why do guys continually lie about height?  Do they not think we will notice?  I'm am laughing a little here though, because Firecrotch is probably a good 5-6 inches taller than this guy now, which puts him at right about eye level with her boobs.  Fantastic. 

Oh and the reason we didn't talk on the phone, well that would be because he had a speech impediment, which he casually brought up in case I didn't notice that it sounded like he had cotton in his mouth.  I really made an attempt to have at least a drink with him even though I knew I would be bouncing before ordering dinner.  After all, I didn't want to be a complete douche. 

Waitress: "Can I get you anything?"
Me: "Yes please. I'll take a double of Crown and ginger."
Him: "Ouht Courssss, I'll just takke the sim."

I had a similar issue with a speech impediment - a bad stutter.  I really didn't blog about the whole story, but found a way to get out of the situation when he revealed that he wanted kids.  I then took the stance of not wanting kids - EVER - and ended the date there.
Awkward conversation continues, and more awesome facts revealed:  unemployed, 30ish yr old, living at home with his parents.  And for some added kick to this already stellar date...

Him: "Do you use drugs?"
me: "Ummm, yeah, no.  With my job its kinda frowned upon."
Him: "Oh, well I don't really either. Just coke once and awhile, but that's no big deal."
DONE!  I was done!  I reached my breaking point!

Bwhahahahaha.  Do his parents know and support his habit?  

Then...a miracle...out of the corner of my eye, I see my friends family walked into the pub. I excused myself saying that I needed to use the bathroom - but really, this was my grand escape.  I casually grabbed a $20 out of my purse and laid it on the table, which was much more than the drink I ordered and headed over to where my friend's parents were.  Naturally, they told me that I could stay with them until my date left, which incidentally took 20 minutes!  Yes, HE SAT THERE FOR 20 minutes!!!!! And then I think he got the hint...

Cold man.  So cold.  But, at least you left him some coke money. 

Sad part is, he still texted me the next day.  I blocked his number AND deleted my account on  I also had to buy myself dinner that night. 


Firecrotch, you are a rock star.  At least he wasn't married. 

Thursday, February 23, 2012

Intellectual Inequality

I've been rather quiet the past couple of weeks, but I met someone. Our first date was a meet and greet at a coffee shop in the middle of a Sunday afternoon. Our second date was a couple of days later for sushi and a walk in the park on a particularly sparkling day. Our third date was my suggestion of bowling - which I suggested, followed by several matches of darts - which he suggested because (and I quote) "I just don't want this date to end!"

Neither did I.

He's a kind soul and on paper, a suitable match. And he has 20 inch arms, which for me is as big of a draw as a hairy chest! He is, however, kinda dumb. OK, not even close to kind of. Talking to him makes me feel like I'm speaking to a five year old. I find myself using very basic language and even then I get a quizzical look from him. Can people find happiness with someone who does not have the same intellectual capacity? Or is this just a futile effort on my part?

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Milestones in internet dating...basically a post about NOTHING

My on-line dating profile is an anomaly of sorts - vague, yet somewhat personal.  Witty, yet honest.  I listed items of importance to me that will allow the reader to catch a glimpse into my personality.

If they read it.

And, let's be honest.  Guys don't.  They're visual creatures, regardless if they claim their subscription to Playboy is "only for the articles." (I sometimes peek at Playboy for the celebrity nip slips in the back.)

I've recently did a little test on my profile.  It was a bit calculating on my part, but I'm getting pretty tired of the revolving door of first dates due to my broken picker, and this has helped, at least on the surface.

I set my profile picture to one of myself wearing a "Candy cane licker" t-shirt. 

The t-shirt photo was an amazing success.  I got hundreds of replies from men who offered up their own "candy canes," one more redundant than the other.  Not a single original message from the bunch.  There were two that I called out because after actually reading their profiles, I expected better - until my picker picked up a bit and set me straight. 


Last week, I received my very first message from a chick! 

"I think you are incredibly sexy and wanted to know if you would be interested in another woman. I also have a very well endowed male friend that lives near you. He can play with or without me if you would like to meet one of us."

Although flattered...I like the cock.  Of course I expressed that in a much nicer way because ladies don't openly use the work cock.  Except that I just did.  Twice.  Dammit!  New Years Resolution, thwarted!

Last night, my total "guys who want to meet you" hit 600.  Let's not talk about what a farce that feature is and just focus on how incredibly hot and sexy I am that six hundred (plus three more this morning) horny men want to stick the tip in!  Blah.

Friday, January 13, 2012

How'd you get that angry?

Over a year ago, I answered an ad on creepy Craigslist and met a guy that I saw a couple of times.  He was nice enough, but it didn't take long to find out that he was a child trapped in a man's body.  Our first couple of dates involved him being on his best behavior, and then he invited me to his place for dinner. 

He served up a tasty meal, I have to admit.  It was some kind of chicken stir fry with lots of fresh vegetables.

Afterwards, we retreated to his room. 

That's where he lit up a joint and started playing Call of Duty...with a bunch of 8th graders, on line.  I'm a bit of a cusser myself, but got super uncomfortable when he started to tell his teammates and opponents that he was going to fuck their mother's in the ass.  You know, while I'm sitting there stunned.  I pretty much excused myself and left him to play his game. 

I was upset with the drug use...but honestly, I was more upset that he thought that I would *enjoy* sitting there watching him play a stupid video game.  I told him that I didn't think we had much in common and he quietly went away into the great dating abyss. 

Fast forward to this past week.  Apparently, he still has my number.  I got an out of the blue text from him and of course, I had no idea who it was.  So, I asked - and naturally, he didn't take that kindly.  He started send me insults masked with little emotion cons, then got upset if I ignored him.  I told him flat out that I was not interested and to please take his time elsewhere. 

So - he did.  On the dating site I use.

Imagine my surprise (not) when he found me there. 

I fibbed and told him that I was seeing someone, in hopes that he would just go away.  Now, this is true and not - I am talking to a couple of people that I am finding interest in and would like to pursue.  He took issue that I am still online and haven't moved offline to chat it up with these people. 

(Text is copied and pasted, so don't make fun of me for the misspellings and grammar errors...btw, I didn't respond to any of these emails - but the running commentary he provides makes me wonder what kind of conversation *he thinks* we were having!)

"Fort a girl that claims you are seeing someone or interested in someone you are on here an aweful lot....rather odd and shady for you to be doing so when you SAY you are seeing someone? Underminded."

"LMFAO....perhaps you are keeping your options open and are a shady shitlike most women who claim not? hahaha...That's what cell phones are's needn't explain anything to me for sure....I just
think it's comedy that you do so still....goes to show that you women are sneaky and shady if not more so
then men...I think its hilarious!"
"LMFAO! Cloak yourself all you desire....I will ALWAYS see through your so-called masked charade!
hahahaha... Peace out!"

" when someone calls you out on your bullshithuh? LMFAO! Don't hate me for seeing your shady ass douchbag ways......NOT my fault for you being a grimey happens...I just think its absolutely comedy that you try and weasel your way out of it when I called you out...but it's all good....I think you'rejust pissed that you can't hide it from everyone....but good for you that you found a stupid ass gulable guy that will out up with go girl! LMFAO!"

My eyes hurt.  I finally blocked his fucking ass...but I gotta admit, I was enjoying watching the massive implosion.