A Brief Welcome

There are a ton of self-help books that try to tell us ladies how to properly date to land the most perfect man in the world, such as He's Just Not That Into You, Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus and of course, The Rules According to JWOWW.  (I wish I was kidding on that last one.)  What none of these books touches on are Internet dating rules.  It's pretty much a free for all out there.  On-line dating is essentially blind dating, but without whatever "friend" who arranged such date, giving him their stamp of approval beforehand.  You browse pictures and profiles until you find someone you'd like to spend a couple of hours with, then you instant message, or email, or for the truly daring individual, you exchange phone numbers and text each other until a meeting is secured and you tell all your friends you have a date with a really great guy!  Sometimes, there's an actual phone call - which I do recommend for a variety of reasons.  One being, the laugh.  A person's laugh can be a big deal breaker for me.  I'm not fond of jackals and their noises and if a guy has that laugh that gives you the same reaction as nails on a chalkboard, well at least you know you didn't waste your time cowering in some corner of a bar as he hoots and hollers loud and proud while you sink just a little deeper into yourself waiting until he turns his head so you can make a break to safety.

Thing is, there are rules.

The Rules According To Miz Adventures:

1.  Read the fucking profiles!  Beware of anyone who doesn't have a picture on their profile.  It probably means he's a troll living under your nearest bridge with a bunch of billy goats.  Also, if they can't use spell check on his description of himself then that person is a certifiable idiot.  (I especially like when someone brags about being "inteligent" and intelligent is spelled wrong.  I laugh a little inside.)

2.  Make sure you have a couple of clothed full body shots of yourself handy.  Guys always want to verify that you are a girl and that you're not a cow. 

3.  Quality over quantity.  Don't contact every hot guy all in one day.  There is not enough time in the day to respond to all those messages!  And, chances are you are at work - and you shouldn't be logged in to an Internet dating site while on the job!

4.  Set up an email account that isn't <yourname>@yahoo/hotmail/gmail.com.  That's just dumb and probably doesn't need any explaining as to why.

5.  Make sure that if you do text or call a guy, you get his full name and a picture of his face, and for Christ sakes...add him as a contact in your phone.  This way, you don't confuse people you are talking to.  There are a lot of "Mikes" and "Jasons" out there and if you want to avoid someone you deem as creepy, if you have 13 Mikes in your phone with no photos, you may make a mistake. 

6.  Talk to the person before meeting, live on the phone.  Make sure he's a real guy!  Make a joke, listen for the laugh, get a handle on his personality.  Google him!  Facebook him!  Call the local police department and have them run a background check...just kidding.  (Well, unless you can snag his social security number!)

7.  Don't talk/text about sex!  And, don't ever ask for a picture of his penis.  It's slutty and opens a whole can of worms that can get you in trouble.  And, on the same note - don't send naked, or semi-naked pictures to him! 

8.  ALWAYS meet in a public place!  And, always tell a friend who you're meeting and where you will be.  It's just a smart move.

9.  Don't drink too much. 

10.  Keep your legs (and mouth, and asshole I guess) CLOSED to the public. 

Unfortunately, I've broken every single rule, minus my number two, which I just threw in there so I would have an even ten rules to preach about.  Let me repeat that...I have broken every single (major) rule in Internet dating.  Sigh.  Ladies - be safe above everything else.  Use the brain that is inside your head and trust your instincts, and always...ALWAYS have a get away plan. 

With all of that being said, I think you can see what direction this blog will be taking!  For me, dating in general has gotten to the point where I hope for the worst date possible, just so I can add it to my list of fucked up, frankly awesome experiences with very questionable people that I wouldn't ever think of introducing to my friends, let alone my mom.  I'm no longer on a quest to find love, but rather on a trail to happiness.  If someone bumps into my path, great.  If not, I'll continue to break hearts along the way.

Welcome to my blog of dating adventures, gone wrong.