A Gross Misrepresentation

Have you ever suppressed a gag when meeting someone for the first time?

People come in all shapes and sizes, a variety of colors, personalities ranging from the complete bore to the life of the party - but when you send someone a picture that looks NOTHING like you and expect them to not notice, then you should make your reservation for hell right now.  Sure, we all like how we look in "good" photos.  I can capture an angle of myself that no one else can see.  Suddenly, instead of a round face I have chiseled cheekbones!  Am I proud of these pictures?  Hell yes!  Do I send them to people and claim I look exactly like that?  No way.  It's not fair, or right.  Guys should take note of this too...do not send me a picture of yourself 10 years ago and 70 pounds lighter.  If you do, be prepared to suffer the consequences, because I will call you on.

I have before. What's funny is that it's not really even a matter of looks...it's a matter of trust and respect.  Do you really think that any kind of meaningful (or non-meaningful) relationship will ever blossom from a mis-representation of yourself?  I mean, I totally have a wonderful personality (HA!), but I'm pretty sure that if I looked like Quasimodo and represented myself as Esmerelda, even a charming personality wouldn't save me from being berated and rejected upon first meeting.

This story is for Soph, who encouraged me to throw it out there! 

I was talking to this guy who's picture was to.die.for.  He was walking on the beach in an open white button down shirt and khaki's.  Not overly defined abs, but definitely a great body.  He lived kind of far from me (about 2 hours) but we chatted via email and on the phone and he seemed like a nice guy, so we planned to meet at a neutral place and go for a drive on his Harley.  In passing, I asked how old the picture was - thinking it was from a recent vacation...the guy told me about a year.

HE LIED.

That picture was literally 15 years old, and possibly even older than that.  Instead of the abs, there was a significant beer gut.  Instead of the full head of hair, he was bald - but grossly covered it up with a bandanna.  Instead of the strong jaw line, there was a double chin.  It was terrible. 

I called him on it.  He said that he didn't think I would meet him if he sent a recent picture.  I told him that he was probably right, and because of his deception I had absolutely no interest in getting on the back of a motorcycle and was also pissed about wasting my day to drive 4 hours (round trip) to meet such an asshole.  And, I left.

Even though I was angry at HIM, I was also angry at MYSELF. And really, if people are going to go out of their way to be deceptive, how can you even control it?  For me, it reiterates the fact that there are no solid rules to Internet dating, which is the most frustrating aspect of this whole thing. 

I hate to tell you this, but...you're gay

Some people are just way cooler when they can hide their physical being behind a clouded cyber world portal.   Case in point, a date I had way back in July.  (Yup, I'm on a bit of a dry spell so I'm pulling from the archieves.)  A man who I've been chatting via text with for about 5 weeks prior.  Traveling is a large part of his job, and with my busy social schedule, there had not been much opportunity for a face to face meeting.

He did not post a picture and said that he didn't give photos out free-nilly because of his job.  (Is he a fucking SPY?!)  Is your bullshit meter going off yet because mine certainly was!  He didn't want to send a picture along because he said a coworker found out the last time he tried internet dating and passed his profile along, but he was more than willing to describe himself to me, and I quote..."I'm definitely not an ugly guy.  In fact, I've been told that I'm incredibly good looking.  I have sandy hair, blue eyes, a strong jaw, I'm tall and athletic.  People say that I look like a movie star, but they can never remember which one.  I think you'll have no problem being attracted to me."

Oh, really? We'll see.  I don't know about you, but when I am forced to describe myself to someone, I am way more humble in my description.

I'm sure there will be a collective gasp from across the globe when I reveal that the date was a bust.

I've never met someone who thought so highly of himself so much that you could smell the insecurity coming out of his pores. 

My gaydar was also going bonkers about 5 minutes into the date when he mentioned that he doesn't go to a very popular local bar because "it's frequented by a bunch of fags."  Or, so he was told by his bodybuilder roommate.  (Why did he have to tell me that he was a bodybuilder?  Roommate would've been more than sufficient.  And, you're 36 years old with a full time job!  Why do you need or want a roommate?!)  Dude, we play for the same team!  And, I bet I'm way more successful.  Throughout the date, he continued to talk about gay-this and gay-that and I finally looked him square in the eye and said "I think you need to come to terms with your sexuality.  Straight men who are on a date with a chick don't talk about gays.  They just don't.  It was lovely meeting you.  I wish you the very best in your search."  Then, I got the hell out of there.

As far as the celebrity he said he resembles, I was trying to rack my brain for someone with as many poc marks as he had.  It finally dawned on me.  Dennis Stewart, who played "Leo" aka "Craterface" in Grease.  He was the guy who raced John Travolta in the Thunderbird.

UG-LY.

Sorry, no longer believe the story about your coworker ratting on you.  You don't upload pictures because you're fucking ugly.