If you go out with a guy, have a great time, make out with him in his car in the parking lot and accidently leave your necklace in said car...don't be surprised that when you ask him to send it to you (after not hearing from him since that night), that a postcard arrives from the United States Postal Service telling you they have your envelope and need $1.14.
SERIOUSLY DUDE?!
You couldn't pick up the dollar and change postage?
I so need the interwebs to help me with a response to send to him.
Sunday, August 28, 2011
Thursday, August 18, 2011
Is a free meal worth the price of a bad date?
Causal dating, in general, makes me feel like a whore. (And the fact that this subject is coming after my last post of true whore-like behavior says something.)
Yesterday, I was challenged to "be spontaneous" and meet some guy who was flirting with me all day, out for dinner and drinks at the restaurant of my choice. He had all the warning signs of being a bad date - no profile picture, an out of the area hometown, the fact that he listed his relationship status as separated and is not looking for a relationship of any kind with an intention to hang out. Basically, the dude is looking to get laid. His replies to my basic questions gave me douche chills, in a very bad way, and I was just about to block him from my life forever when...
...my stomach growled.
Yep, you heard that right.
My decision to go on this date was purely based on wanting to eat on someone else's dime. Yes, I am using random guys for dinner and beer.
It pulls at my insides a little that women can get away with such bullshit and men (usually) can't. Truth of the matter is, I feel like a total whore without the sex (unless he's hot, and I'm unusually horny, my place is clean and my legs are shaved. Hey...it's been known to happen once, or twice - and couple other times, which I haven't written about - with mixed results).
Does it make it any better that I will always pick a pub that has cheap, but tasty, food and drink? How about the fact that I will do my best to not only enjoy myself, but make sure that the guy is laughing and feeling comfortable as well? How about the fact that I do keep an open mind and will accept another date, if the guy exceeds my relatively low expectation that I have of him - because you never know where the love lightening will strike? Or that I almost always offer to split the bill, unless the guy is a total asshat - which in that case...the $20 you just spent on me was totally earned. How about that I always offer up a very genuine "thank you" and close contact hug at our parting, if I don't take him home and hump his brains out?
I also happen to wonder when the act of getting to know someone over food and drink became an invitation, or expectation, for sex? Should I really feel badly that someone is shelling out $20 bucks to spend time with me?! He has to eat too!!! I'm doing him a favor, so he doesn't have to dine alone! (And, maybe cockblocking him from someone who will fuck a tard on the first date.) And really...if I am going to allow that - you better believe I would be ordering the filet mignon and not a burger!
Last night's date wasn't horrible. He did make me laugh, but there was no physical attraction. I was upfront and did tell him that he wouldn't be getting in my pants - which did make him chuckle and admit that the thought had entered his mind from the moment that we started chatting via email. At the end of the date, he told me that he would text me the next time he was in town. I gently reminded him that I didn't give him my number, so he'd have to continue to use the dating site to contact me. We hugged, I gave him a quick peck on the cheek, thanked him for dinner and we went our separate ways.
Yesterday, I was challenged to "be spontaneous" and meet some guy who was flirting with me all day, out for dinner and drinks at the restaurant of my choice. He had all the warning signs of being a bad date - no profile picture, an out of the area hometown, the fact that he listed his relationship status as separated and is not looking for a relationship of any kind with an intention to hang out. Basically, the dude is looking to get laid. His replies to my basic questions gave me douche chills, in a very bad way, and I was just about to block him from my life forever when...
...my stomach growled.
Yep, you heard that right.
My decision to go on this date was purely based on wanting to eat on someone else's dime. Yes, I am using random guys for dinner and beer.
It pulls at my insides a little that women can get away with such bullshit and men (usually) can't. Truth of the matter is, I feel like a total whore without the sex (unless he's hot, and I'm unusually horny, my place is clean and my legs are shaved. Hey...it's been known to happen once, or twice - and couple other times, which I haven't written about - with mixed results).
Does it make it any better that I will always pick a pub that has cheap, but tasty, food and drink? How about the fact that I will do my best to not only enjoy myself, but make sure that the guy is laughing and feeling comfortable as well? How about the fact that I do keep an open mind and will accept another date, if the guy exceeds my relatively low expectation that I have of him - because you never know where the love lightening will strike? Or that I almost always offer to split the bill, unless the guy is a total asshat - which in that case...the $20 you just spent on me was totally earned. How about that I always offer up a very genuine "thank you" and close contact hug at our parting, if I don't take him home and hump his brains out?
I also happen to wonder when the act of getting to know someone over food and drink became an invitation, or expectation, for sex? Should I really feel badly that someone is shelling out $20 bucks to spend time with me?! He has to eat too!!! I'm doing him a favor, so he doesn't have to dine alone! (And, maybe cockblocking him from someone who will fuck a tard on the first date.) And really...if I am going to allow that - you better believe I would be ordering the filet mignon and not a burger!
Last night's date wasn't horrible. He did make me laugh, but there was no physical attraction. I was upfront and did tell him that he wouldn't be getting in my pants - which did make him chuckle and admit that the thought had entered his mind from the moment that we started chatting via email. At the end of the date, he told me that he would text me the next time he was in town. I gently reminded him that I didn't give him my number, so he'd have to continue to use the dating site to contact me. We hugged, I gave him a quick peck on the cheek, thanked him for dinner and we went our separate ways.
Thursday, August 11, 2011
1+2=3
I was a willing participant in something I thought I would never do. Like, never in a gazillion years NEVER. I was the lady in an all-man sandwich.
Several months ago the opportunity presented itself in a very strange and freaky way, which I didn't see coming, or did I appreciate at the time. It was so ridiculous that I can laugh about it now, thank goodness. I met up with this guy at his place for some Chinese and a movie. Long story short - at some point in the night, this dude's cousin came over. We moved into the bedroom and while he was giving it to me from behind I looked up and the cousin was standing in the doorway, dick-in-hand and pants on the floor. I screamed, covered myself up and told the cousin to get out. Naturally, I did what any horny girl would do - made sure the door was locked and continued playing. (Thinking back on it now, I should've checked the closet too. I bet you money that someone was hiding in there...crazy exhibitionist that this guy was.)
So the other night, I get a booty text from the Cub. "Whoo-hoo! I'm totally going to have sex with the Cub again!" Now, I have not heard from that boy in months, even though I think of him and his ginormous penis nightly. He asked me to meet him at his friend's place, where we would then go and get some drinks and then I would take him home and use him all night long. He obviously didn't get the memo that I hatched in my head.
And ultimately, I got his memo about 10 minutes after entering his buddy's place - who just happened to be Mr. Wingman himself from our first date.
I think I got about 30 texts on the ride over to his buddy's place. "How long till you get here?" "I can't wait to see you again." "Are you here yet?" When I arrived, my Cub was waiting for me at the door as excited as a kid at Christmas. I was going to hug him hello, but he beat me to the punch by planting the nicest kiss on my mouth, which totally took my breath away, then proceeded to pick me up, throw me over his shoulder and carried me up the stairs, with my ass hanging out of my dress! I collected myself and sat down in a chair between the couch that the Cub ended up on and another couch that the Wingman was sprawled out on.
It's funny how things evolve. We sat there talking for a couple of minutes when the Cub motioned for me to sit next on his lap. When I got up, so did the Wingman and it went in a crazy direction from there. I suddenly had two hot guy's hands all over my body, my dress was up and over in my head in about 3 seconds flat. Standing there in my underthings in front of two hard bodies was very intimidating, and if had not been dark in that apartment I probably would've burst out crying.
There were rules: condoms must be used, no anal play AT ALL, and nothing too rough.
As sexy as I imagined a 3-some would be, in reality, it wasn't. It was awkward, weird and uncomfortable. Handling two penises is hard. (Pardon the pun.) I tried not to show favoritism, but when you have an incredible freak of nature in one hand, and a limp sausage in the other - this homegirl will throw the limp sausage aside! I don't blame the Wingman for not being able to get it up at first, I mean...there's another dude in your bed, you can see what he's packing and it doesn't compare to yours, plus you're kind of forced to touch his leg or arm from time to time as bodies adjusted. I could tell that he was a total homophobe, but even so, I wasn't going to take him by the hand and show him the ropes!
Things that happened that I was not too thrilled about:
1. Sweat dripping on me from two guys. I seriously wanted to vomit at one point.
2. I did get it in the ass..."accidentally," by the Cub.
3. I yelled and screamed and ran to the bathroom.
4. I left my favorite bra behind.
One thing that I think was a totally awesome playa move on my part, I managed to sneak out while they were both asleep. As the filling between the bread, I had to carefully slide myself down the bed without waking the two guys, grab my stuff that was scattered all over the freakin place and get out - all in the dark in a place I was unfamiliar with. I'm happy to say that it was a success...but the real success came in knowing that I left two naked guys in a bed together!
The following text pretty much sums up the whole experience, with what my girlfriends have to say about 3-somes:
Me: I had a 3-some.
Friend: It's about time.
Me: LOL. It was super awkward.
Friend: With who?
Me: The Cub and his friend.
Friend: 2 dicks?! It's much sexier when it's 2 women!
Several months ago the opportunity presented itself in a very strange and freaky way, which I didn't see coming, or did I appreciate at the time. It was so ridiculous that I can laugh about it now, thank goodness. I met up with this guy at his place for some Chinese and a movie. Long story short - at some point in the night, this dude's cousin came over. We moved into the bedroom and while he was giving it to me from behind I looked up and the cousin was standing in the doorway, dick-in-hand and pants on the floor. I screamed, covered myself up and told the cousin to get out. Naturally, I did what any horny girl would do - made sure the door was locked and continued playing. (Thinking back on it now, I should've checked the closet too. I bet you money that someone was hiding in there...crazy exhibitionist that this guy was.)
So the other night, I get a booty text from the Cub. "Whoo-hoo! I'm totally going to have sex with the Cub again!" Now, I have not heard from that boy in months, even though I think of him and his ginormous penis nightly. He asked me to meet him at his friend's place, where we would then go and get some drinks and then I would take him home and use him all night long. He obviously didn't get the memo that I hatched in my head.
And ultimately, I got his memo about 10 minutes after entering his buddy's place - who just happened to be Mr. Wingman himself from our first date.
I think I got about 30 texts on the ride over to his buddy's place. "How long till you get here?" "I can't wait to see you again." "Are you here yet?" When I arrived, my Cub was waiting for me at the door as excited as a kid at Christmas. I was going to hug him hello, but he beat me to the punch by planting the nicest kiss on my mouth, which totally took my breath away, then proceeded to pick me up, throw me over his shoulder and carried me up the stairs, with my ass hanging out of my dress! I collected myself and sat down in a chair between the couch that the Cub ended up on and another couch that the Wingman was sprawled out on.
It's funny how things evolve. We sat there talking for a couple of minutes when the Cub motioned for me to sit next on his lap. When I got up, so did the Wingman and it went in a crazy direction from there. I suddenly had two hot guy's hands all over my body, my dress was up and over in my head in about 3 seconds flat. Standing there in my underthings in front of two hard bodies was very intimidating, and if had not been dark in that apartment I probably would've burst out crying.
There were rules: condoms must be used, no anal play AT ALL, and nothing too rough.
As sexy as I imagined a 3-some would be, in reality, it wasn't. It was awkward, weird and uncomfortable. Handling two penises is hard. (Pardon the pun.) I tried not to show favoritism, but when you have an incredible freak of nature in one hand, and a limp sausage in the other - this homegirl will throw the limp sausage aside! I don't blame the Wingman for not being able to get it up at first, I mean...there's another dude in your bed, you can see what he's packing and it doesn't compare to yours, plus you're kind of forced to touch his leg or arm from time to time as bodies adjusted. I could tell that he was a total homophobe, but even so, I wasn't going to take him by the hand and show him the ropes!
Things that happened that I was not too thrilled about:
1. Sweat dripping on me from two guys. I seriously wanted to vomit at one point.
2. I did get it in the ass..."accidentally," by the Cub.
3. I yelled and screamed and ran to the bathroom.
4. I left my favorite bra behind.
One thing that I think was a totally awesome playa move on my part, I managed to sneak out while they were both asleep. As the filling between the bread, I had to carefully slide myself down the bed without waking the two guys, grab my stuff that was scattered all over the freakin place and get out - all in the dark in a place I was unfamiliar with. I'm happy to say that it was a success...but the real success came in knowing that I left two naked guys in a bed together!
The following text pretty much sums up the whole experience, with what my girlfriends have to say about 3-somes:
Me: I had a 3-some.
Friend: It's about time.
Me: LOL. It was super awkward.
Friend: With who?
Me: The Cub and his friend.
Friend: 2 dicks?! It's much sexier when it's 2 women!
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