Milestones in internet dating...basically a post about NOTHING

My on-line dating profile is an anomaly of sorts - vague, yet somewhat personal.  Witty, yet honest.  I listed items of importance to me that will allow the reader to catch a glimpse into my personality.

If they read it.

And, let's be honest.  Guys don't.  They're visual creatures, regardless if they claim their subscription to Playboy is "only for the articles." (I sometimes peek at Playboy for the celebrity nip slips in the back.)

I've recently did a little test on my profile.  It was a bit calculating on my part, but I'm getting pretty tired of the revolving door of first dates due to my broken picker, and this has helped, at least on the surface.

I set my profile picture to one of myself wearing a "Candy cane licker" t-shirt. 

The t-shirt photo was an amazing success.  I got hundreds of replies from men who offered up their own "candy canes," one more redundant than the other.  Not a single original message from the bunch.  There were two that I called out because after actually reading their profiles, I expected better - until my picker picked up a bit and set me straight. 

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Last week, I received my very first message from a chick! 

"I think you are incredibly sexy and wanted to know if you would be interested in another woman. I also have a very well endowed male friend that lives near you. He can play with or without me if you would like to meet one of us."

Although flattered...I like the cock.  Of course I expressed that in a much nicer way because ladies don't openly use the work cock.  Except that I just did.  Twice.  Dammit!  New Years Resolution, thwarted!

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Last night, my total "guys who want to meet you" hit 600.  Let's not talk about what a farce that feature is and just focus on how incredibly hot and sexy I am that six hundred (plus three more this morning) horny men want to stick the tip in!  Blah.

How'd you get that angry?

Over a year ago, I answered an ad on creepy Craigslist and met a guy that I saw a couple of times.  He was nice enough, but it didn't take long to find out that he was a child trapped in a man's body.  Our first couple of dates involved him being on his best behavior, and then he invited me to his place for dinner. 

He served up a tasty meal, I have to admit.  It was some kind of chicken stir fry with lots of fresh vegetables.

Afterwards, we retreated to his room. 

That's where he lit up a joint and started playing Call of Duty...with a bunch of 8th graders, on line.  I'm a bit of a cusser myself, but got super uncomfortable when he started to tell his teammates and opponents that he was going to fuck their mother's in the ass.  You know, while I'm sitting there stunned.  I pretty much excused myself and left him to play his game. 

I was upset with the drug use...but honestly, I was more upset that he thought that I would *enjoy* sitting there watching him play a stupid video game.  I told him that I didn't think we had much in common and he quietly went away into the great dating abyss. 

Fast forward to this past week.  Apparently, he still has my number.  I got an out of the blue text from him and of course, I had no idea who it was.  So, I asked - and naturally, he didn't take that kindly.  He started send me insults masked with little emotion cons, then got upset if I ignored him.  I told him flat out that I was not interested and to please take his time elsewhere. 

So - he did.  On the dating site I use.

Imagine my surprise (not) when he found me there. 

I fibbed and told him that I was seeing someone, in hopes that he would just go away.  Now, this is true and not - I am talking to a couple of people that I am finding interest in and would like to pursue.  He took issue that I am still online and haven't moved offline to chat it up with these people. 

(Text is copied and pasted, so don't make fun of me for the misspellings and grammar errors...btw, I didn't respond to any of these emails - but the running commentary he provides makes me wonder what kind of conversation *he thinks* we were having!)

"Fort a girl that claims you are seeing someone or interested in someone you are on here an aweful lot....rather odd and shady for you to be doing so when you SAY you are seeing someone? Underminded."

"LMFAO....perhaps you are keeping your options open and are a shady shitlike most women who claim not? hahaha...That's what cell phones are for....it's ok....you needn't explain anything to me for sure....I just
think it's comedy that you do so still....goes to show that you women are sneaky and shady if not more so
then men...I think its hilarious!"
"LMFAO! Cloak yourself all you desire....I will ALWAYS see through your so-called masked charade!
hahahaha... Peace out!"

"Yeah...sucks when someone calls you out on your bullshithuh? LMFAO! Don't hate me for seeing your shady ass douchbag ways......NOT my fault for you being a grimey cunt...it happens...I just think its absolutely comedy that you try and weasel your way out of it when I called you out...but it's all good....I think you'rejust pissed that you can't hide it from everyone....but good for you that you found a stupid ass gulable guy that will out up with it.....you go girl! LMFAO!"

My eyes hurt.  I finally blocked his fucking ass...but I gotta admit, I was enjoying watching the massive implosion. 

Fuck it. No, seriously...fuck it.

I was going to keep adding updates to my last post, but thought it would be a futile effort when all is said and done. 

This morning, out of sheer curiosity, I checked Mr. Married Facebook Guy's page.  The thumbnail and suggestion was gone from my phone.  I searched his name, and the page had disappeared.  There are two troubling scenarios...I was blocked, or he set his entire profile to private...and that of his wife's as well.  Either way, it wasn't good because it meant that POF guy and Mr. Married Facebook Guy were the same person.  The coincidence was now just too great and the scales are tipped with sufficient proof. 

"Funny.  XXX has disappeared from facebook, as has his wife, XXX."

"XXX is my cousin.  I'm staying with him since I came here.  He flipped the fuck out on me.  I'm sorry but I can't have him kicking me out so I told him." 

Can we talk about this for a second?  JUST YESTERDAY POF Guy told me that he had *no idea* who this person on facebook was.  He said he had never met him or even heard of him.  Turns out, he lied to me, but the lie is greater and more grand because there's a level of sceeming and lying that I am just not used to. 

The story he came up with, is that his cousin is Mr. Married Facebook Guy and he is staying with him and his wife.  He told his cousin of the facebook snafu, and he supposedly flipped out (WHY???) upset that I would try to contact him or (more importantly) his wife.  I would think that if this was the likely scenario, the cousin would chuckle and tell POF Guy to invite me over so we could all have a fantastic laugh about it.  Ummmm no...the reaction instead was "he seriously went ape shit on me because you were probably going to message him or his wife and then he said he would kill himself."  Yes...KILL. HIMSELF. 

That statement alone pretty much summed up the fact that this guy is the Married Facebook Guy.  (Anyone out there still want to give him the benefit of the doubt?) I told him that I believed that he is married.  I then asked him to please not do that to another girl because it really hurts to get knocked down in that manner - nor is it fair. 

Nothing should surprise me at this point, but this does.  I'm ashamed to admit that I shed a tear (or several) because I was too trusting, too wanting to be emotionally available, too naive to see the initial writing on the wall.  I don't want to turn into one of those hard-assed bitches who has so many walls up that happiness will never been fully realized!  But, I see myself getting to that point, especially with this experience. 

Deception uncovered?

The guy: 5'10'', dark hair, good looking, 33 years old, dog owner (breed specific), Football fan (team specific), educated, State employee who newly relocated to the area a few months ago, spicy food lover, relationship minded, single with no children.

In other words...perfect for me, on paper.  

We chatted for about a week before I finally said "Screw this!  I'm giving you my phone number.  Text me sometime."

He did.  We chatted all night.

The thing about getting a phone number, or email address is that if you have a smart phone, and a facebook account, you will then get a lovely email saying who your phone thinks you should be friends with.  This has worked well for me in the past when I came upon 'The Tinkler,' and it has laid down a ton of confusion for me right now. 

You see, the man that my phone thinks I should be friends with is married.  

There are way too many coincidences for me to think anything but negatively about this.  Same first name, same last name first initial, same dog (different name - facebook guy named his "Snoopy" and POF guy said his was named "Spoons"), same football team, same location of hometown. I had my favorite married couple compare the photos and they both agreed that it was probably the same guy...the facebook guy being 10 years older than the POF photos.  

I feel had. 

My sister thinks that I should continue talking to him and agree to meet with his this coming week (as we've been planning) and if he isn't how he's publicized himself she gives me permission to dump a glass of ice water in his lap.  I have to admit, I kind of like that idea, even if it's not really me.

What I decided to do is ask him.  Novel idea, eh?  Being upfront and honest?!

I texted him this morning.  I explained what I had found and he replied...stunned.  He said he didn't know what to say, but he is not that guy and he is not married.  I don't know what to believe, and I am beyond confused at this point.  My bullshit meter isn't going off like it should!  

He asked if he could call me tonight so we could talk and possibly set up a date for this week because he wants to take me to dinner.  I told him he could.

What are the chances that this guy, who is so perfect for me on paper, is actually the real deal?  What are the chances that this whole facebook thing is actually a really weird snafu?  What are the chances that I'm just a complete moron and I'm being played by the king of all playas? 

Also...I have to say - facebook is freakin awesome as a free PI.