Reflection

A couple of weeks ago I met a lawyer after work for dinner and drinks.  It was a lovely date...a beautiful restaurant, nice bottle of wine, interesting conversation and a sweet kiss at the end.  The guy is semi accomplished as a bankruptcy lawyer, is well spoken and looks a lot like Matt Damon from some angles, but as the weeks passed I realized that...I just wasn't into him. 

He didn't do anything particularly creepy.  He wasn't too aggressive or forward.  I'm simply not attracted to him. 

I find myself in these situations quite often.  Guys look great on paper, and then I meet them and there's absolutely no spark, either mentally or physically or both.  It's frustrating, and it's hard to talk to my friends about it because I get accused of being too picky and not giving people a chance.  I often worry about that because I am quick to move on to the next prospect.  I'm trusting my insticts...but I'm also making a mental comparison against these seemingly good guys. 

I have what I consider a "perfect man" (for me) in my head.  My ultimate boyfriend, let's say.  When I think of this imaginary person, I actually envision a face of someone who is very special to me...a guy who I've been involved with for three years now...a guy who is married and never leaving his wife.  It's true.  I compare potential suitors to a man that will never actually be my suitor because he's what makes me feel like a million bucks when times are good.  Even though he has several issues of his own (besides being a married man who cheats) I still have a hard time looking past that and seeing other guys for who they are, or may become over time.

When I started dating my ex many moons ago, I was not immediately in love with him.  He was fun, and funny and could hold a conversation even though he couldn't retain said conversation worth shit!  As we hung out more I could feel myself falling for him.  I know that is the natural progression of things, and yet now...I can't seem to get through that second date without wanting to run for the hills.

I wonder if I am actually ready for a relationship or if I'm just dating to date because society tells me that every woman should have a man?  I wonder if I continue to have this relationship with someone who in unattainable because I know subconsciencely that I don't have to worry about being his girlfriend and all the stress that comes from that.  It's like I'm attached...but not.  I still have someone asking me how my day was and being attentive to my physical needs, yet not have to ask permission or justify the time I spend with my friends.  Unfortunately, the catch 22 is that I do want someone to spend holidays with, bring home to meet mom and spend my nights with.

Thinking about all of this is quite frustrating and eye opening.  I don't really like that person that I seem to have become.  That girl who is easily satisfied with having a long term affair.  That girl who lies to herself that it's totally OK - because it's not.  I want and deserve more, but I'm not letting myself have it.

Sigh.