A Gross Misrepresentation

Have you ever suppressed a gag when meeting someone for the first time?

People come in all shapes and sizes, a variety of colors, personalities ranging from the complete bore to the life of the party - but when you send someone a picture that looks NOTHING like you and expect them to not notice, then you should make your reservation for hell right now.  Sure, we all like how we look in "good" photos.  I can capture an angle of myself that no one else can see.  Suddenly, instead of a round face I have chiseled cheekbones!  Am I proud of these pictures?  Hell yes!  Do I send them to people and claim I look exactly like that?  No way.  It's not fair, or right.  Guys should take note of this too...do not send me a picture of yourself 10 years ago and 70 pounds lighter.  If you do, be prepared to suffer the consequences, because I will call you on.

I have before. What's funny is that it's not really even a matter of looks...it's a matter of trust and respect.  Do you really think that any kind of meaningful (or non-meaningful) relationship will ever blossom from a mis-representation of yourself?  I mean, I totally have a wonderful personality (HA!), but I'm pretty sure that if I looked like Quasimodo and represented myself as Esmerelda, even a charming personality wouldn't save me from being berated and rejected upon first meeting.

This story is for Soph, who encouraged me to throw it out there! 

I was talking to this guy who's picture was to.die.for.  He was walking on the beach in an open white button down shirt and khaki's.  Not overly defined abs, but definitely a great body.  He lived kind of far from me (about 2 hours) but we chatted via email and on the phone and he seemed like a nice guy, so we planned to meet at a neutral place and go for a drive on his Harley.  In passing, I asked how old the picture was - thinking it was from a recent vacation...the guy told me about a year.

HE LIED.

That picture was literally 15 years old, and possibly even older than that.  Instead of the abs, there was a significant beer gut.  Instead of the full head of hair, he was bald - but grossly covered it up with a bandanna.  Instead of the strong jaw line, there was a double chin.  It was terrible. 

I called him on it.  He said that he didn't think I would meet him if he sent a recent picture.  I told him that he was probably right, and because of his deception I had absolutely no interest in getting on the back of a motorcycle and was also pissed about wasting my day to drive 4 hours (round trip) to meet such an asshole.  And, I left.

Even though I was angry at HIM, I was also angry at MYSELF. And really, if people are going to go out of their way to be deceptive, how can you even control it?  For me, it reiterates the fact that there are no solid rules to Internet dating, which is the most frustrating aspect of this whole thing. 

I hate to tell you this, but...you're gay

Some people are just way cooler when they can hide their physical being behind a clouded cyber world portal.   Case in point, a date I had way back in July.  (Yup, I'm on a bit of a dry spell so I'm pulling from the archieves.)  A man who I've been chatting via text with for about 5 weeks prior.  Traveling is a large part of his job, and with my busy social schedule, there had not been much opportunity for a face to face meeting.

He did not post a picture and said that he didn't give photos out free-nilly because of his job.  (Is he a fucking SPY?!)  Is your bullshit meter going off yet because mine certainly was!  He didn't want to send a picture along because he said a coworker found out the last time he tried internet dating and passed his profile along, but he was more than willing to describe himself to me, and I quote..."I'm definitely not an ugly guy.  In fact, I've been told that I'm incredibly good looking.  I have sandy hair, blue eyes, a strong jaw, I'm tall and athletic.  People say that I look like a movie star, but they can never remember which one.  I think you'll have no problem being attracted to me."

Oh, really? We'll see.  I don't know about you, but when I am forced to describe myself to someone, I am way more humble in my description.

I'm sure there will be a collective gasp from across the globe when I reveal that the date was a bust.

I've never met someone who thought so highly of himself so much that you could smell the insecurity coming out of his pores. 

My gaydar was also going bonkers about 5 minutes into the date when he mentioned that he doesn't go to a very popular local bar because "it's frequented by a bunch of fags."  Or, so he was told by his bodybuilder roommate.  (Why did he have to tell me that he was a bodybuilder?  Roommate would've been more than sufficient.  And, you're 36 years old with a full time job!  Why do you need or want a roommate?!)  Dude, we play for the same team!  And, I bet I'm way more successful.  Throughout the date, he continued to talk about gay-this and gay-that and I finally looked him square in the eye and said "I think you need to come to terms with your sexuality.  Straight men who are on a date with a chick don't talk about gays.  They just don't.  It was lovely meeting you.  I wish you the very best in your search."  Then, I got the hell out of there.

As far as the celebrity he said he resembles, I was trying to rack my brain for someone with as many poc marks as he had.  It finally dawned on me.  Dennis Stewart, who played "Leo" aka "Craterface" in Grease.  He was the guy who raced John Travolta in the Thunderbird.

UG-LY.

Sorry, no longer believe the story about your coworker ratting on you.  You don't upload pictures because you're fucking ugly. 

Update on the Fucktard

So, after mulling over an email to the Fucktard in response to his assholish behavior, I sent this simple message via his internet dating profile:

"It's very clear to me that you made your decision in whether you would like to see me again.  For me, hindsight is 20/20 and I wish I had made a different decision when sleeping with you.  I wish you the very best in your future ventures.  Take Care."

I always try to be nice...but the 20/20 dig made me smile a little. 

The Fucktard contacted me last night.  I heard my phone ringing from across the apartment so, as per my usual self, I ran to it only to be grossed out with the face on the screen.  I "declined" to answer and sent him to voicemail, then forgot about it and went about my nightly business. 

A couple of hours later, I got a text message from him.  It was all cheery and light.  This really does chap my ass.  How dare he?  I didn't respond to him, but he continued to send me texts throughout the night - including offering to help me move this weekend.*

What I am learning is that guys hate to be dumped, especially when they felt they had the upper hand.  It's totally OK for this guy to ignore me for days, then when I make a decision and say "goodbye" he's suddenly all up in my grill?  I'm fairly certain that if I were to just have continued to let things be as they were (ie: no contact), I still would be waiting to hear from him. 

This reminds me of my friend who claims that men LIKE to be treated like shit.  I think it's that whole hunter mentality.   

*Disclaimer: I'm seriously considering caving in and letting him help.  I have big furniture and having a guy's muscles there would really come in handy.  However, this would mean I would have to put the past behind us (not IN my behind!) and subsequently, allow him to see where my new place is.  Not sure if that all is worth the manpower I would get out of it.

An officer and a...gentleman?

Two weeks ago I started fielding messages from a guy who not only didn't have a picture, but also didn't have much to say on his profile.  When those faced with those two none-specific things, I mentally ignore.  He kept coming at me unrelentlessly until one day he enclosed a picture of himself along with "now that you see me, can you please let me take you out on a date?" 

Fact of the matter was...he was cute.  Very cute in fact.  I did reply with an apology for not sending a reply and seeming like a snob - but as a rule of thumb I don't interact with those I can not "see," and therefore, since he sent me his picture, we could now converse.  LOL.  We did.  It was fun.  He ended up being a really nice guy. 

He asked me out to dinner on a Friday and I suggested drinks instead.  I'm not sure why, because I like to eat!  I think that in the back of my head I thought that he may be too good to be true.  Funny, isn't it?  I didn't even meet him yet and I was already stacking the cards against him.  What I need to realize is that a girl's instincts are never wrong.  Never.  But, more on that later.

Our date was fun.  We sat in a booth and talked for hours.  He's a military guy which makes him very serious and it became my mission to try to get him to crack a smile.  I succeeded!  A couple of times!  I know that I am a good flirt, especially when it comes to situations that are one-on-one, but I was really feeling an instant attraction to this guy.  He kept touching my hand on top of the table and played with the ring on my finger.  And, you know what?  It felt GOOD.  There was no subconscious comparison going on.  My phone was buried in my purse, on silent and I didn't even check it once!  Even when he went to the bathroom and left me at our booth alone!  I seriously didn't want the date to end, but like every bar in this town, they called "last call" as soon as we really started to talk about the deep stuff. 

He walked me to my car.  We kissed.  He invited me over to his jeep and we talked a little bit more then made out a lot!  I *almost* invited him over that night, but was a good girl.  LOL

On the way home, he texted.
As I crawled into bed, he texted.
When I woke up in the morning, he texted.
All weekend long, we were texting.  He told me that he felt a really strong connection with me and that he was excited to what the future would hold.
Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, I would wake up to a text at 4am (the start of his workday).

On Wednesday I asked him if he wanted to grab a bite to eat.  We did.  And followed the meal up with a couple of cocktails.  I threw caution to the wind and invited him over and I let biology take over.  There was (good) sex, snuggling, kissing at the door on my stoop and a date planned for the next Friday - two days away, to go to the drive-in for a three movie marathon the last weekend they were opened. 

And, then I didn't hear from him. 

So, basically...I gave it up too quickly.  He obviously got what he was after.   

Friday afternoon he texted me and told me that he was sick.  I asked him what was wrong and didn't get a response.  That's considered a stand up, in my humble opinion.  I didn't hear from him again until Sunday night, when he revealed that he had strep throat.  It's really hard not to feel sorry for someone who has strep because that is one nasty sickness.  I was concerned for him and tried to convey that - but really in the back of mind I was thinking "Dude.  Strep throat doesn't stop your fingers from texting!"  Am I wrong to admit that I was angry and disappointed that he didn't even contact me?  Am I wrong to admit that I started questioning myself as a woman with feelings because this seemingly happened after we fucked?  You don't fuck a girl, then not call her and think that feelings won't be destroyed, regardless if you were sick or not, unless you're a total asshole, right?!

This guy went from sweetness to fucktard in a couple of days. 

Instincts...I'm listening to you from now on because honestly, my heart just can't take it anymore.

Reflection

A couple of weeks ago I met a lawyer after work for dinner and drinks.  It was a lovely date...a beautiful restaurant, nice bottle of wine, interesting conversation and a sweet kiss at the end.  The guy is semi accomplished as a bankruptcy lawyer, is well spoken and looks a lot like Matt Damon from some angles, but as the weeks passed I realized that...I just wasn't into him. 

He didn't do anything particularly creepy.  He wasn't too aggressive or forward.  I'm simply not attracted to him. 

I find myself in these situations quite often.  Guys look great on paper, and then I meet them and there's absolutely no spark, either mentally or physically or both.  It's frustrating, and it's hard to talk to my friends about it because I get accused of being too picky and not giving people a chance.  I often worry about that because I am quick to move on to the next prospect.  I'm trusting my insticts...but I'm also making a mental comparison against these seemingly good guys. 

I have what I consider a "perfect man" (for me) in my head.  My ultimate boyfriend, let's say.  When I think of this imaginary person, I actually envision a face of someone who is very special to me...a guy who I've been involved with for three years now...a guy who is married and never leaving his wife.  It's true.  I compare potential suitors to a man that will never actually be my suitor because he's what makes me feel like a million bucks when times are good.  Even though he has several issues of his own (besides being a married man who cheats) I still have a hard time looking past that and seeing other guys for who they are, or may become over time.

When I started dating my ex many moons ago, I was not immediately in love with him.  He was fun, and funny and could hold a conversation even though he couldn't retain said conversation worth shit!  As we hung out more I could feel myself falling for him.  I know that is the natural progression of things, and yet now...I can't seem to get through that second date without wanting to run for the hills.

I wonder if I am actually ready for a relationship or if I'm just dating to date because society tells me that every woman should have a man?  I wonder if I continue to have this relationship with someone who in unattainable because I know subconsciencely that I don't have to worry about being his girlfriend and all the stress that comes from that.  It's like I'm attached...but not.  I still have someone asking me how my day was and being attentive to my physical needs, yet not have to ask permission or justify the time I spend with my friends.  Unfortunately, the catch 22 is that I do want someone to spend holidays with, bring home to meet mom and spend my nights with.

Thinking about all of this is quite frustrating and eye opening.  I don't really like that person that I seem to have become.  That girl who is easily satisfied with having a long term affair.  That girl who lies to herself that it's totally OK - because it's not.  I want and deserve more, but I'm not letting myself have it.

Sigh.

The biggest ASSHOLE move I've ever experienced

If you go out with a guy, have a great time, make out with him in his car in the parking lot and accidently leave your necklace in said car...don't be surprised that when you ask him to send it to you (after not hearing from him since that night), that a postcard arrives from the United States Postal Service telling you they have your envelope and need $1.14. 

SERIOUSLY DUDE?! 

You couldn't pick up the dollar and change postage? 

I so need the interwebs to help me with a response to send to him. 

Is a free meal worth the price of a bad date?

Causal dating, in general, makes me feel like a whore.  (And the fact that this subject is coming after my last post of true whore-like behavior says something.) 

Yesterday, I was challenged to "be spontaneous" and meet some guy who was flirting with me all day, out for dinner and drinks at the restaurant of my choice.  He had all the warning signs of being a bad date - no profile picture, an out of the area hometown, the fact that he listed his relationship status as separated and is not looking for a relationship of any kind with an intention to hang out.  Basically, the dude is looking to get laid.  His replies to my basic questions gave me douche chills, in a very bad way, and I was just about to block him from my life forever when...

...my stomach growled.

Yep, you heard that right. 

My decision to go on this date was purely based on wanting to eat on someone else's dime.  Yes, I am using random guys for dinner and beer.

It pulls at my insides a little that women can get away with such bullshit and men (usually) can't.  Truth of the matter is, I feel like a total whore without the sex (unless he's hot, and I'm unusually horny, my place is clean and my legs are shaved.  Hey...it's been known to happen once, or twice - and couple other times, which I haven't written about - with mixed results).  

Does it make it any better that I will always pick a pub that has cheap, but tasty, food and drink?  How about the fact that I will do my best to not only enjoy myself, but make sure that the guy is laughing and feeling comfortable as well?  How about the fact that I do keep an open mind and will accept another date, if the guy exceeds my relatively low expectation that I have of him - because you never know where the love lightening will strike?  Or that I almost always offer to split the bill, unless the guy is a total asshat - which in that case...the $20 you just spent on me was totally earned.  How about that I always offer up a very genuine "thank you" and close contact hug at our parting, if I don't take him home and hump his brains out? 

I also happen to wonder when the act of getting to know someone over food and drink became an invitation, or expectation, for sex?  Should I really feel badly that someone is shelling out $20 bucks to spend time with me?!  He has to eat too!!!  I'm doing him a favor, so he doesn't have to dine alone!  (And, maybe cockblocking him from someone who will fuck a tard on the first date.)  And really...if I am going to allow that - you better believe I would be ordering the filet mignon and not a burger! 

Last night's date wasn't horrible.  He did make me laugh, but there was no physical attraction.  I was upfront and did tell him that he wouldn't be getting in my pants - which did make him chuckle and admit that the thought had entered his mind from the moment that we started chatting via email.  At the end of the date, he told me that he would text me the next time he was in town.  I gently reminded him that I didn't give him my number, so he'd have to continue to use the dating site to contact me.  We hugged, I gave him a quick peck on the cheek, thanked him for dinner and we went our separate ways.