Intellectual Inequality, Part II

Remember when I wrote the post about the guy who was more than a little dumb?  Well, sometimes in life, it works both ways.

I was the victim of my own intellectual inequality last night.

Although I didn't feel dumb and I was able to be a part of the conversation, there were several times when I had to ask the guy "You know what...you're going to have to explain that a little further." 

I did chuckle and poke a little bit of fun at him during one point when I asked him if he had ever broken any bones - after he revealed that he was the youngest of three boys.  He started naming off bones in the wrist and ankle, and I was all "Hey buddy!  I broke a couple of bones also, but I'm just going to name off the body part and let you guess which exact bone it was." 

But, he did seem to find humor and entertainment in my musings even if he did have to make a conscience effort to dumb down his vocabulary for me. 

I also want to note that he was a huge flirt...and flirting really is a language that crosses all boundaries.  He's a subtle winker, and every time he did it, it made me a smile.  Partly because it wasn't creepy, but also because I don't even think he realized he was doing it!  He got to the bar early and texted me to tell me as much - when I was parking, I let him know and when I arrived at the table, he had already ordered my drink.  It will be interesting to see if he contacts me again. 

Lying sacks of shit.

Since when did "I'll call you tonight" become "I think I'll fall off the face of the planet and leave you hanging, thinking about what you may have done wrong while I reveal in the fact that your ego was taken down a notch or two"? 

It's always been that way?

I can't put my frustration about this particular situation into words just yet...but instead, I'll share my thoughts on a dating story submitted by one of my dear friends, who is also single and has just about as much luck as I have. 

So, Firecrotch (a clever nickname, if I do say so myself) is on Match.com.  Now I refuse to pay for the chance to go on bad dates, so I have no idea if it's actually any better than the free ones I use - but she's been on it for a while now and she goes through boyfriends like dirty underpants, so I'm thinking NOT.  However, she even admits that "A girls gotta eat" and that she's on it pretty much just meet people for free food (and the occasional sexual escapade - that's my addition...not actually admitted by Firecrotch!).   
Before we delve into the date, let's all agree that my comments will be highlighted in PINK. 

This guy seemed plenty nice.  His profile was pretty ordinary and standard - kind of like an unimaginative cut and paste job:  Drama free, new to the dating world, trying out this "internet thing..." Blah Blah Blah...
Yeah, because no one wants to admit that they've been on the same dating site for years on end.  That reminds me...I should delete my account and start over since I have officially been on now for a year and am starting to look undateable.  LOL   

His stats, again, were average with decent looking pictures.  He claimed to be 5'10'' which is an OK height.

I want to add that Firecrotch is like 5'7'' and 5'8'' but has a soft spot for shorter, kinda chubby guys, even though she's a fox.  She also has a thing for greasy Italians.  I tried to set her up with the Wingman once, which I thought was a good match, but she was having none of that shit and I had to drag her out of the public bathroom so she could dump him publicly. 
  
The conversation lasted for three days...via text (ding ding ding) and we decided to grab dinner at a local restaurant...cool...I was broke anyways and he offered to pay.  He was actually very nice, so I was looking forward to the date.  Looking back over his profile and his noted height, I dressed to impress, including a sexy-ass pair of heels and skinny jeans.

I planned my arrival to be right on time and waited.  He's late.  I grab us a table and continue to wait. He waltz's in about 10 minutes late and makes no mention of why he's late.  So, I ask.  He says it's no big deal, but he just had to finish his beer in the car before coming in.  Seriously?!  You were driving with an open container and that's no big deal? 

He needed to pre-game!   

Then, I took a good look at him.  Definitely NOT 5'10''.  More like 5'5", if that.  LIAR!  He also had the most busted face I had ever seen on a human.  He had what I affectionately call a "nomad forehead" - a forehead where the brow bone sticks out as far as his nose.  Interesting ape-like profile. 

Why do guys continually lie about height?  Do they not think we will notice?  I'm am laughing a little here though, because Firecrotch is probably a good 5-6 inches taller than this guy now, which puts him at right about eye level with her boobs.  Fantastic. 

Oh and the reason we didn't talk on the phone, well that would be because he had a speech impediment, which he casually brought up in case I didn't notice that it sounded like he had cotton in his mouth.  I really made an attempt to have at least a drink with him even though I knew I would be bouncing before ordering dinner.  After all, I didn't want to be a complete douche. 

Waitress: "Can I get you anything?"
Me: "Yes please. I'll take a double of Crown and ginger."
Him: "Ouht Courssss, I'll just takke the sim."
Awesome.

I had a similar issue with a speech impediment - a bad stutter.  I really didn't blog about the whole story, but found a way to get out of the situation when he revealed that he wanted kids.  I then took the stance of not wanting kids - EVER - and ended the date there.
Awkward conversation continues, and more awesome facts revealed:  unemployed, 30ish yr old, living at home with his parents.  And for some added kick to this already stellar date...

Him: "Do you use drugs?"
me: "Ummm, yeah, no.  With my job its kinda frowned upon."
Him: "Oh, well I don't really either. Just coke once and awhile, but that's no big deal."
DONE!  I was done!  I reached my breaking point!

Bwhahahahaha.  Do his parents know and support his habit?  

Then...a miracle...out of the corner of my eye, I see my friends family walked into the pub. I excused myself saying that I needed to use the bathroom - but really, this was my grand escape.  I casually grabbed a $20 out of my purse and laid it on the table, which was much more than the drink I ordered and headed over to where my friend's parents were.  Naturally, they told me that I could stay with them until my date left, which incidentally took 20 minutes!  Yes, HE SAT THERE FOR 20 minutes!!!!! And then I think he got the hint...

Cold man.  So cold.  But, at least you left him some coke money. 

Sad part is, he still texted me the next day.  I blocked his number AND deleted my account on Match.com.  I also had to buy myself dinner that night. 

EPIC FAIL!!!

Firecrotch, you are a rock star.  At least he wasn't married. 

Intellectual Inequality

I've been rather quiet the past couple of weeks, but I met someone. Our first date was a meet and greet at a coffee shop in the middle of a Sunday afternoon. Our second date was a couple of days later for sushi and a walk in the park on a particularly sparkling day. Our third date was my suggestion of bowling - which I suggested, followed by several matches of darts - which he suggested because (and I quote) "I just don't want this date to end!"

Neither did I.

He's a kind soul and on paper, a suitable match. And he has 20 inch arms, which for me is as big of a draw as a hairy chest! He is, however, kinda dumb. OK, not even close to kind of. Talking to him makes me feel like I'm speaking to a five year old. I find myself using very basic language and even then I get a quizzical look from him. Can people find happiness with someone who does not have the same intellectual capacity? Or is this just a futile effort on my part?

Milestones in internet dating...basically a post about NOTHING

My on-line dating profile is an anomaly of sorts - vague, yet somewhat personal.  Witty, yet honest.  I listed items of importance to me that will allow the reader to catch a glimpse into my personality.

If they read it.

And, let's be honest.  Guys don't.  They're visual creatures, regardless if they claim their subscription to Playboy is "only for the articles." (I sometimes peek at Playboy for the celebrity nip slips in the back.)

I've recently did a little test on my profile.  It was a bit calculating on my part, but I'm getting pretty tired of the revolving door of first dates due to my broken picker, and this has helped, at least on the surface.

I set my profile picture to one of myself wearing a "Candy cane licker" t-shirt. 

The t-shirt photo was an amazing success.  I got hundreds of replies from men who offered up their own "candy canes," one more redundant than the other.  Not a single original message from the bunch.  There were two that I called out because after actually reading their profiles, I expected better - until my picker picked up a bit and set me straight. 

**************************************

Last week, I received my very first message from a chick! 

"I think you are incredibly sexy and wanted to know if you would be interested in another woman. I also have a very well endowed male friend that lives near you. He can play with or without me if you would like to meet one of us."

Although flattered...I like the cock.  Of course I expressed that in a much nicer way because ladies don't openly use the work cock.  Except that I just did.  Twice.  Dammit!  New Years Resolution, thwarted!

**************************************
Last night, my total "guys who want to meet you" hit 600.  Let's not talk about what a farce that feature is and just focus on how incredibly hot and sexy I am that six hundred (plus three more this morning) horny men want to stick the tip in!  Blah.

How'd you get that angry?

Over a year ago, I answered an ad on creepy Craigslist and met a guy that I saw a couple of times.  He was nice enough, but it didn't take long to find out that he was a child trapped in a man's body.  Our first couple of dates involved him being on his best behavior, and then he invited me to his place for dinner. 

He served up a tasty meal, I have to admit.  It was some kind of chicken stir fry with lots of fresh vegetables.

Afterwards, we retreated to his room. 

That's where he lit up a joint and started playing Call of Duty...with a bunch of 8th graders, on line.  I'm a bit of a cusser myself, but got super uncomfortable when he started to tell his teammates and opponents that he was going to fuck their mother's in the ass.  You know, while I'm sitting there stunned.  I pretty much excused myself and left him to play his game. 

I was upset with the drug use...but honestly, I was more upset that he thought that I would *enjoy* sitting there watching him play a stupid video game.  I told him that I didn't think we had much in common and he quietly went away into the great dating abyss. 

Fast forward to this past week.  Apparently, he still has my number.  I got an out of the blue text from him and of course, I had no idea who it was.  So, I asked - and naturally, he didn't take that kindly.  He started send me insults masked with little emotion cons, then got upset if I ignored him.  I told him flat out that I was not interested and to please take his time elsewhere. 

So - he did.  On the dating site I use.

Imagine my surprise (not) when he found me there. 

I fibbed and told him that I was seeing someone, in hopes that he would just go away.  Now, this is true and not - I am talking to a couple of people that I am finding interest in and would like to pursue.  He took issue that I am still online and haven't moved offline to chat it up with these people. 

(Text is copied and pasted, so don't make fun of me for the misspellings and grammar errors...btw, I didn't respond to any of these emails - but the running commentary he provides makes me wonder what kind of conversation *he thinks* we were having!)

"Fort a girl that claims you are seeing someone or interested in someone you are on here an aweful lot....rather odd and shady for you to be doing so when you SAY you are seeing someone? Underminded."

"LMFAO....perhaps you are keeping your options open and are a shady shitlike most women who claim not? hahaha...That's what cell phones are for....it's ok....you needn't explain anything to me for sure....I just
think it's comedy that you do so still....goes to show that you women are sneaky and shady if not more so
then men...I think its hilarious!"
"LMFAO! Cloak yourself all you desire....I will ALWAYS see through your so-called masked charade!
hahahaha... Peace out!"

"Yeah...sucks when someone calls you out on your bullshithuh? LMFAO! Don't hate me for seeing your shady ass douchbag ways......NOT my fault for you being a grimey cunt...it happens...I just think its absolutely comedy that you try and weasel your way out of it when I called you out...but it's all good....I think you'rejust pissed that you can't hide it from everyone....but good for you that you found a stupid ass gulable guy that will out up with it.....you go girl! LMFAO!"

My eyes hurt.  I finally blocked his fucking ass...but I gotta admit, I was enjoying watching the massive implosion. 

Fuck it. No, seriously...fuck it.

I was going to keep adding updates to my last post, but thought it would be a futile effort when all is said and done. 

This morning, out of sheer curiosity, I checked Mr. Married Facebook Guy's page.  The thumbnail and suggestion was gone from my phone.  I searched his name, and the page had disappeared.  There are two troubling scenarios...I was blocked, or he set his entire profile to private...and that of his wife's as well.  Either way, it wasn't good because it meant that POF guy and Mr. Married Facebook Guy were the same person.  The coincidence was now just too great and the scales are tipped with sufficient proof. 

"Funny.  XXX has disappeared from facebook, as has his wife, XXX."

"XXX is my cousin.  I'm staying with him since I came here.  He flipped the fuck out on me.  I'm sorry but I can't have him kicking me out so I told him." 

Can we talk about this for a second?  JUST YESTERDAY POF Guy told me that he had *no idea* who this person on facebook was.  He said he had never met him or even heard of him.  Turns out, he lied to me, but the lie is greater and more grand because there's a level of sceeming and lying that I am just not used to. 

The story he came up with, is that his cousin is Mr. Married Facebook Guy and he is staying with him and his wife.  He told his cousin of the facebook snafu, and he supposedly flipped out (WHY???) upset that I would try to contact him or (more importantly) his wife.  I would think that if this was the likely scenario, the cousin would chuckle and tell POF Guy to invite me over so we could all have a fantastic laugh about it.  Ummmm no...the reaction instead was "he seriously went ape shit on me because you were probably going to message him or his wife and then he said he would kill himself."  Yes...KILL. HIMSELF. 

That statement alone pretty much summed up the fact that this guy is the Married Facebook Guy.  (Anyone out there still want to give him the benefit of the doubt?) I told him that I believed that he is married.  I then asked him to please not do that to another girl because it really hurts to get knocked down in that manner - nor is it fair. 

Nothing should surprise me at this point, but this does.  I'm ashamed to admit that I shed a tear (or several) because I was too trusting, too wanting to be emotionally available, too naive to see the initial writing on the wall.  I don't want to turn into one of those hard-assed bitches who has so many walls up that happiness will never been fully realized!  But, I see myself getting to that point, especially with this experience. 

Deception uncovered?

The guy: 5'10'', dark hair, good looking, 33 years old, dog owner (breed specific), Football fan (team specific), educated, State employee who newly relocated to the area a few months ago, spicy food lover, relationship minded, single with no children.

In other words...perfect for me, on paper.  

We chatted for about a week before I finally said "Screw this!  I'm giving you my phone number.  Text me sometime."

He did.  We chatted all night.

The thing about getting a phone number, or email address is that if you have a smart phone, and a facebook account, you will then get a lovely email saying who your phone thinks you should be friends with.  This has worked well for me in the past when I came upon 'The Tinkler,' and it has laid down a ton of confusion for me right now. 

You see, the man that my phone thinks I should be friends with is married.  

There are way too many coincidences for me to think anything but negatively about this.  Same first name, same last name first initial, same dog (different name - facebook guy named his "Snoopy" and POF guy said his was named "Spoons"), same football team, same location of hometown. I had my favorite married couple compare the photos and they both agreed that it was probably the same guy...the facebook guy being 10 years older than the POF photos.  

I feel had. 

My sister thinks that I should continue talking to him and agree to meet with his this coming week (as we've been planning) and if he isn't how he's publicized himself she gives me permission to dump a glass of ice water in his lap.  I have to admit, I kind of like that idea, even if it's not really me.

What I decided to do is ask him.  Novel idea, eh?  Being upfront and honest?!

I texted him this morning.  I explained what I had found and he replied...stunned.  He said he didn't know what to say, but he is not that guy and he is not married.  I don't know what to believe, and I am beyond confused at this point.  My bullshit meter isn't going off like it should!  

He asked if he could call me tonight so we could talk and possibly set up a date for this week because he wants to take me to dinner.  I told him he could.

What are the chances that this guy, who is so perfect for me on paper, is actually the real deal?  What are the chances that this whole facebook thing is actually a really weird snafu?  What are the chances that I'm just a complete moron and I'm being played by the king of all playas? 

Also...I have to say - facebook is freakin awesome as a free PI.