Lying sacks of shit.

Since when did "I'll call you tonight" become "I think I'll fall off the face of the planet and leave you hanging, thinking about what you may have done wrong while I reveal in the fact that your ego was taken down a notch or two"? 

It's always been that way?

I can't put my frustration about this particular situation into words just yet...but instead, I'll share my thoughts on a dating story submitted by one of my dear friends, who is also single and has just about as much luck as I have. 

So, Firecrotch (a clever nickname, if I do say so myself) is on Match.com.  Now I refuse to pay for the chance to go on bad dates, so I have no idea if it's actually any better than the free ones I use - but she's been on it for a while now and she goes through boyfriends like dirty underpants, so I'm thinking NOT.  However, she even admits that "A girls gotta eat" and that she's on it pretty much just meet people for free food (and the occasional sexual escapade - that's my addition...not actually admitted by Firecrotch!).   
Before we delve into the date, let's all agree that my comments will be highlighted in PINK. 

This guy seemed plenty nice.  His profile was pretty ordinary and standard - kind of like an unimaginative cut and paste job:  Drama free, new to the dating world, trying out this "internet thing..." Blah Blah Blah...
Yeah, because no one wants to admit that they've been on the same dating site for years on end.  That reminds me...I should delete my account and start over since I have officially been on now for a year and am starting to look undateable.  LOL   

His stats, again, were average with decent looking pictures.  He claimed to be 5'10'' which is an OK height.

I want to add that Firecrotch is like 5'7'' and 5'8'' but has a soft spot for shorter, kinda chubby guys, even though she's a fox.  She also has a thing for greasy Italians.  I tried to set her up with the Wingman once, which I thought was a good match, but she was having none of that shit and I had to drag her out of the public bathroom so she could dump him publicly. 
  
The conversation lasted for three days...via text (ding ding ding) and we decided to grab dinner at a local restaurant...cool...I was broke anyways and he offered to pay.  He was actually very nice, so I was looking forward to the date.  Looking back over his profile and his noted height, I dressed to impress, including a sexy-ass pair of heels and skinny jeans.

I planned my arrival to be right on time and waited.  He's late.  I grab us a table and continue to wait. He waltz's in about 10 minutes late and makes no mention of why he's late.  So, I ask.  He says it's no big deal, but he just had to finish his beer in the car before coming in.  Seriously?!  You were driving with an open container and that's no big deal? 

He needed to pre-game!   

Then, I took a good look at him.  Definitely NOT 5'10''.  More like 5'5", if that.  LIAR!  He also had the most busted face I had ever seen on a human.  He had what I affectionately call a "nomad forehead" - a forehead where the brow bone sticks out as far as his nose.  Interesting ape-like profile. 

Why do guys continually lie about height?  Do they not think we will notice?  I'm am laughing a little here though, because Firecrotch is probably a good 5-6 inches taller than this guy now, which puts him at right about eye level with her boobs.  Fantastic. 

Oh and the reason we didn't talk on the phone, well that would be because he had a speech impediment, which he casually brought up in case I didn't notice that it sounded like he had cotton in his mouth.  I really made an attempt to have at least a drink with him even though I knew I would be bouncing before ordering dinner.  After all, I didn't want to be a complete douche. 

Waitress: "Can I get you anything?"
Me: "Yes please. I'll take a double of Crown and ginger."
Him: "Ouht Courssss, I'll just takke the sim."
Awesome.

I had a similar issue with a speech impediment - a bad stutter.  I really didn't blog about the whole story, but found a way to get out of the situation when he revealed that he wanted kids.  I then took the stance of not wanting kids - EVER - and ended the date there.
Awkward conversation continues, and more awesome facts revealed:  unemployed, 30ish yr old, living at home with his parents.  And for some added kick to this already stellar date...

Him: "Do you use drugs?"
me: "Ummm, yeah, no.  With my job its kinda frowned upon."
Him: "Oh, well I don't really either. Just coke once and awhile, but that's no big deal."
DONE!  I was done!  I reached my breaking point!

Bwhahahahaha.  Do his parents know and support his habit?  

Then...a miracle...out of the corner of my eye, I see my friends family walked into the pub. I excused myself saying that I needed to use the bathroom - but really, this was my grand escape.  I casually grabbed a $20 out of my purse and laid it on the table, which was much more than the drink I ordered and headed over to where my friend's parents were.  Naturally, they told me that I could stay with them until my date left, which incidentally took 20 minutes!  Yes, HE SAT THERE FOR 20 minutes!!!!! And then I think he got the hint...

Cold man.  So cold.  But, at least you left him some coke money. 

Sad part is, he still texted me the next day.  I blocked his number AND deleted my account on Match.com.  I also had to buy myself dinner that night. 

EPIC FAIL!!!

Firecrotch, you are a rock star.  At least he wasn't married.