I'm finding myself in a bit of a dry spell recently. On purpose. I have no mood for dating.
Of course, saying I'm in no mood for dating is counter productive for a dating blog, so I did accept an invitation to dinner from the Russian Spy. (And in doing a quick search on my blog for the Russian Spy date recap, I realize I failed to write about him, which means I have nothing time stamped and I'll probably end up making the date of the date - ha! - up.)
I do remember wearing a sweater and open toe shoes, so I'm guessing it was around early fall last year. Let's just go with that, shall we?
He picked me up. In our prior conversations, which lasted much longer than I usually allow due to his military travel schedule, I found out that he came to the US as a 16-year old with his family and immediately became a US Citizen. After high school he joined the military and completed medical school and is currently a scientist for the Army, researching really bad stuff like infectious diseases and weapons of mass destruction.
OK - that kinda sounds like a big turn off right there, but when he showed up to pick me up and I got in his tricked out car with the heated tushy seats and apologized for having to call his grandmother in my presence...then proceeded to have an entire conversation in the sexiest Russian I have ever heard...well, I was hooked. Our date went so splendidly that evening that I was able to see my very first (and only) uncircumcised penis.
We made plans for a second date to a very fancy place in town for the next weekend, which he then cancelled on me claiming he had to travel. We spoke a couple of times afterwards, then I wrote him off because he really didn't have time for a relationship, or at least not the kind that I wanted.
He easily faded into the background.
Just recently, he's resurfaced. Not sure why. But, he sent me a text asking how things were. I told him about the new job I was starting and how I was nervous. He very boldly said that he was going to take me out to celebrate.
Um...sure.
Then, he disappeared again, with moments of "I didn't forget about you" texts every couple of weeks.
Our second date went into effect Friday night. He once again picked me up and we once again went to the same bar we had our first date at. Yawn! I have got to mention one of my pet peeves - don't ask a girl out then NOT have a plan! If you go so far as to ask me out and pick me up, please just make a plan to go somewhere YOU pick - and stop asking me where I would like to go. I could care less where we go really...but I am interested to see what kind of effort you put in.
It then dawned on me that I may have been incredibly intoxicated that last time we went out, because 1. I thought the Russian Spy was hot, 2. I thought he was interesting and 3. I thought he had a full head of hair. He basically spent the whole time telling me about all of the other dates he went on since the last time he saw me. (Apparently he takes a liking to social workers - of which I am not.)
I shit you not, I almost walked out of there...until I remembered that I didn't drive myself. It also has made him crazy that I didn't invite him in, only gave him a goodbye kiss on the cheek and didn't respond to his first text the next day. Instead of getting the hint that the chemistry wasn't there, he's trying harder. That whole conversation is not one that I am looking forward to.
Friday, May 4, 2012
Monday, April 16, 2012
Running into the arms of another
The weekend started off perfectly with a sexy invitation for a get-a-way in a semi remote, yet very public past-Olympic location. I drove for my secret rendezvous after work on Friday and made it in time to get him out of the hotel room and into the locker room for the second game of his tournament. Then watched with pride from the bleachers at the man I would be spending the night with as he did his thing.
That evening was an interesting dance of calculated missteps - bypassing teammates in a gentle game of chess. Or, Russian Roulette. Because as I am so often reminded, he's married.
I used to get upset when I saw his looking over my shoulder, or turning his back to me at the bar, or walking behind/in front of me. Now, almost 4 years later, it's par for the course. I've grown used to the disassociation and sadly, it just doesn't bother me anymore. I play the part well - if he spots someone he knows, I slip out sight unseen and wait for him to tell me its safe again. Or, I turn my chair around and strike up a conversation with whatever person(s) may be on the other side of me. In fact, I did it so well on Friday night that even he was amazed at my seamless transition into the crowd (and the fact that I was "hiding" under his nose).
It's a sad existence.
I deserve better.
I know this. I deserve someone who will take me out and WANT to be seen with me. Someone who's hand I can hold ANYWHERE.
Being so good at the Houdini act leads to stress elsewhere. That stress comes out when I am drunk. I have moments of Jekyll and Hyde, when one minute I am all fine and dandy and the next minute I am asking him "Do you love me?" It rains on the entire parade because he never answers that question anymore and then I start to get tears in eyes, which I try to promptly hide. The mental damage inside of me is already done.
This behavior came out on Saturday night around 4am, only this time I couldn't hold back the tears, much less hide them. It caused a blow up. He told me to leave. I gathered my things, then said I needed to go for a walk. He laughed at me, rolled over and turned his back to me and started to snore. I left for my walk, but really just went in search for a cigarette. I was angry, embarrassed and humiliated.
Walking down the halls of the hotel, which was teaming with athletes even at 4am, I came across a group of guys chatting. They saw me coming and stopped talking. I must've looked a hot mess - hair all tangled, eyes red and searching for a smoke like a frickin crack whore! Luckily, they took pity on me and one of them went into the room, coming out with two cigarettes and his arm for me to hold as he ushered me outside to the carport.
We sat talking and smoking for a couple of minutes. I became a blabbering fool and basically spilled the beans on not only the evening, but the entire situation. He played the game and told me that I deserve better. That I'm beautiful. That my hair smells amazing. He touched my knee and leaned in to kiss me. I let him and one-upped him by pulling him closer to me. He took me inside and we found a dark corner right outside of the lobby and made out for about a half an hour. I know that he saw me as a vulnerable female - as someone he could probably fuck very easily - but at that moment, I needed what he was giving me...knowing it would go no further.
I placed my hand on his cheek, wished him luck in his medal game (in 4 hours!) and walked away.
I ran some lotion through my hair, got naked and slid into bed. I wrapped myself around the man I have been hoping would choose me. I suspect he knew I had returned and was making a point to be "asleep." Luckily, slumber took me away without a hassle.
Waking up the next morning I realized that at some point during the night (morning?) I had removed myself from him and was teetering on the edge of the mattress. Scooting over woke him and the whole argument started again, only this time I was lost to the specifics and couldn't even get my point across. Then he said the words "I think this has run its course."
Run its course. Thrown out like used garbage. His decision.
You know what makes me emotional as I type this? He said the words so easily. He had the same tone and ease as if he was saying "I feel like eggs for breakfast." The past four years, the sacrifices I've made to keep this relationship secret, the stock pile of his favorite beer at my house, the daily and nightly phone calls, the hundreds of thousands of texts, the saving him from his drunkenness, the love I gave him without the expectation of return because of the circumstance...nothing mattered.
I watched him pack up his belongings for the trip home in silence with even more tears streaming down my face. (When will those dry up, BTW?)
I tried to hug him. It wasn't returned.
Used. Vulnerable. Broken. All words to describe me right at this very moment.
Can I continue on without him? Yes. Yes, I can. I'm sure that I will land on my feet - and hell, I've been dating for the entire length of our relationship...but he has been my rock. I really thought that I held a place in his heart, but I think the realization that I never did is finally hitting me.
That evening was an interesting dance of calculated missteps - bypassing teammates in a gentle game of chess. Or, Russian Roulette. Because as I am so often reminded, he's married.
I used to get upset when I saw his looking over my shoulder, or turning his back to me at the bar, or walking behind/in front of me. Now, almost 4 years later, it's par for the course. I've grown used to the disassociation and sadly, it just doesn't bother me anymore. I play the part well - if he spots someone he knows, I slip out sight unseen and wait for him to tell me its safe again. Or, I turn my chair around and strike up a conversation with whatever person(s) may be on the other side of me. In fact, I did it so well on Friday night that even he was amazed at my seamless transition into the crowd (and the fact that I was "hiding" under his nose).
It's a sad existence.
I deserve better.
I know this. I deserve someone who will take me out and WANT to be seen with me. Someone who's hand I can hold ANYWHERE.
Being so good at the Houdini act leads to stress elsewhere. That stress comes out when I am drunk. I have moments of Jekyll and Hyde, when one minute I am all fine and dandy and the next minute I am asking him "Do you love me?" It rains on the entire parade because he never answers that question anymore and then I start to get tears in eyes, which I try to promptly hide. The mental damage inside of me is already done.
This behavior came out on Saturday night around 4am, only this time I couldn't hold back the tears, much less hide them. It caused a blow up. He told me to leave. I gathered my things, then said I needed to go for a walk. He laughed at me, rolled over and turned his back to me and started to snore. I left for my walk, but really just went in search for a cigarette. I was angry, embarrassed and humiliated.
Walking down the halls of the hotel, which was teaming with athletes even at 4am, I came across a group of guys chatting. They saw me coming and stopped talking. I must've looked a hot mess - hair all tangled, eyes red and searching for a smoke like a frickin crack whore! Luckily, they took pity on me and one of them went into the room, coming out with two cigarettes and his arm for me to hold as he ushered me outside to the carport.
We sat talking and smoking for a couple of minutes. I became a blabbering fool and basically spilled the beans on not only the evening, but the entire situation. He played the game and told me that I deserve better. That I'm beautiful. That my hair smells amazing. He touched my knee and leaned in to kiss me. I let him and one-upped him by pulling him closer to me. He took me inside and we found a dark corner right outside of the lobby and made out for about a half an hour. I know that he saw me as a vulnerable female - as someone he could probably fuck very easily - but at that moment, I needed what he was giving me...knowing it would go no further.
I placed my hand on his cheek, wished him luck in his medal game (in 4 hours!) and walked away.
I ran some lotion through my hair, got naked and slid into bed. I wrapped myself around the man I have been hoping would choose me. I suspect he knew I had returned and was making a point to be "asleep." Luckily, slumber took me away without a hassle.
Waking up the next morning I realized that at some point during the night (morning?) I had removed myself from him and was teetering on the edge of the mattress. Scooting over woke him and the whole argument started again, only this time I was lost to the specifics and couldn't even get my point across. Then he said the words "I think this has run its course."
Run its course. Thrown out like used garbage. His decision.
You know what makes me emotional as I type this? He said the words so easily. He had the same tone and ease as if he was saying "I feel like eggs for breakfast." The past four years, the sacrifices I've made to keep this relationship secret, the stock pile of his favorite beer at my house, the daily and nightly phone calls, the hundreds of thousands of texts, the saving him from his drunkenness, the love I gave him without the expectation of return because of the circumstance...nothing mattered.
I watched him pack up his belongings for the trip home in silence with even more tears streaming down my face. (When will those dry up, BTW?)
I tried to hug him. It wasn't returned.
Used. Vulnerable. Broken. All words to describe me right at this very moment.
Can I continue on without him? Yes. Yes, I can. I'm sure that I will land on my feet - and hell, I've been dating for the entire length of our relationship...but he has been my rock. I really thought that I held a place in his heart, but I think the realization that I never did is finally hitting me.
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
Intellectual Inequality, Part II
Remember when I wrote the post about the guy who was more than a little dumb? Well, sometimes in life, it works both ways.
I was the victim of my own intellectual inequality last night.
Although I didn't feel dumb and I was able to be a part of the conversation, there were several times when I had to ask the guy "You know what...you're going to have to explain that a little further."
I did chuckle and poke a little bit of fun at him during one point when I asked him if he had ever broken any bones - after he revealed that he was the youngest of three boys. He started naming off bones in the wrist and ankle, and I was all "Hey buddy! I broke a couple of bones also, but I'm just going to name off the body part and let you guess which exact bone it was."
But, he did seem to find humor and entertainment in my musings even if he did have to make a conscience effort to dumb down his vocabulary for me.
I also want to note that he was a huge flirt...and flirting really is a language that crosses all boundaries. He's a subtle winker, and every time he did it, it made me a smile. Partly because it wasn't creepy, but also because I don't even think he realized he was doing it! He got to the bar early and texted me to tell me as much - when I was parking, I let him know and when I arrived at the table, he had already ordered my drink. It will be interesting to see if he contacts me again.
I was the victim of my own intellectual inequality last night.
Although I didn't feel dumb and I was able to be a part of the conversation, there were several times when I had to ask the guy "You know what...you're going to have to explain that a little further."
I did chuckle and poke a little bit of fun at him during one point when I asked him if he had ever broken any bones - after he revealed that he was the youngest of three boys. He started naming off bones in the wrist and ankle, and I was all "Hey buddy! I broke a couple of bones also, but I'm just going to name off the body part and let you guess which exact bone it was."
But, he did seem to find humor and entertainment in my musings even if he did have to make a conscience effort to dumb down his vocabulary for me.
I also want to note that he was a huge flirt...and flirting really is a language that crosses all boundaries. He's a subtle winker, and every time he did it, it made me a smile. Partly because it wasn't creepy, but also because I don't even think he realized he was doing it! He got to the bar early and texted me to tell me as much - when I was parking, I let him know and when I arrived at the table, he had already ordered my drink. It will be interesting to see if he contacts me again.
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
Lying sacks of shit.
Since when did "I'll call you tonight" become "I think I'll fall off the face of the planet and leave you hanging, thinking about what you may have done wrong while I reveal in the fact that your ego was taken down a notch or two"?
It's always been that way?
I can't put my frustration about this particular situation into words just yet...but instead, I'll share my thoughts on a dating story submitted by one of my dear friends, who is also single and has just about as much luck as I have.
So, Firecrotch (a clever nickname, if I do say so myself) is on Match.com. Now I refuse to pay for the chance to go on bad dates, so I have no idea if it's actually any better than the free ones I use - but she's been on it for a while now and she goes through boyfriends like dirty underpants, so I'm thinking NOT. However, she even admits that "A girls gotta eat" and that she's on it pretty much just meet people for free food (and the occasional sexual escapade - that's my addition...not actually admitted by Firecrotch!).
Before we delve into the date, let's all agree that my comments will be highlighted in PINK.
This guy seemed plenty nice. His profile was pretty ordinary and standard - kind of like an unimaginative cut and paste job: Drama free, new to the dating world, trying out this "internet thing..." Blah Blah Blah...
Yeah, because no one wants to admit that they've been on the same dating site for years on end. That reminds me...I should delete my account and start over since I have officially been on now for a year and am starting to look undateable. LOL
His stats, again, were average with decent looking pictures. He claimed to be 5'10'' which is an OK height.
I want to add that Firecrotch is like 5'7'' and 5'8'' but has a soft spot for shorter, kinda chubby guys, even though she's a fox. She also has a thing for greasy Italians. I tried to set her up with the Wingman once, which I thought was a good match, but she was having none of that shit and I had to drag her out of the public bathroom so she could dump him publicly.
The conversation lasted for three days...via text (ding ding ding) and we decided to grab dinner at a local restaurant...cool...I was broke anyways and he offered to pay. He was actually very nice, so I was looking forward to the date. Looking back over his profile and his noted height, I dressed to impress, including a sexy-ass pair of heels and skinny jeans.
I planned my arrival to be right on time and waited. He's late. I grab us a table and continue to wait. He waltz's in about 10 minutes late and makes no mention of why he's late. So, I ask. He says it's no big deal, but he just had to finish his beer in the car before coming in. Seriously?! You were driving with an open container and that's no big deal?
He needed to pre-game!
Then, I took a good look at him. Definitely NOT 5'10''. More like 5'5", if that. LIAR! He also had the most busted face I had ever seen on a human. He had what I affectionately call a "nomad forehead" - a forehead where the brow bone sticks out as far as his nose. Interesting ape-like profile.
Why do guys continually lie about height? Do they not think we will notice? I'm am laughing a little here though, because Firecrotch is probably a good 5-6 inches taller than this guy now, which puts him at right about eye level with her boobs. Fantastic.
Oh and the reason we didn't talk on the phone, well that would be because he had a speech impediment, which he casually brought up in case I didn't notice that it sounded like he had cotton in his mouth. I really made an attempt to have at least a drink with him even though I knew I would be bouncing before ordering dinner. After all, I didn't want to be a complete douche.
Waitress: "Can I get you anything?"
Me: "Yes please. I'll take a double of Crown and ginger."
Him: "Ouht Courssss, I'll just takke the sim."
Awesome.
I had a similar issue with a speech impediment - a bad stutter. I really didn't blog about the whole story, but found a way to get out of the situation when he revealed that he wanted kids. I then took the stance of not wanting kids - EVER - and ended the date there.
Awkward conversation continues, and more awesome facts revealed: unemployed, 30ish yr old, living at home with his parents. And for some added kick to this already stellar date...
Him: "Do you use drugs?"
me: "Ummm, yeah, no. With my job its kinda frowned upon."
Him: "Oh, well I don't really either. Just coke once and awhile, but that's no big deal."
DONE! I was done! I reached my breaking point!
Bwhahahahaha. Do his parents know and support his habit?
Then...a miracle...out of the corner of my eye, I see my friends family walked into the pub. I excused myself saying that I needed to use the bathroom - but really, this was my grand escape. I casually grabbed a $20 out of my purse and laid it on the table, which was much more than the drink I ordered and headed over to where my friend's parents were. Naturally, they told me that I could stay with them until my date left, which incidentally took 20 minutes! Yes, HE SAT THERE FOR 20 minutes!!!!! And then I think he got the hint...
Cold man. So cold. But, at least you left him some coke money.
Sad part is, he still texted me the next day. I blocked his number AND deleted my account on Match.com. I also had to buy myself dinner that night.
EPIC FAIL!!!
Firecrotch, you are a rock star. At least he wasn't married.
It's always been that way?
I can't put my frustration about this particular situation into words just yet...but instead, I'll share my thoughts on a dating story submitted by one of my dear friends, who is also single and has just about as much luck as I have.
So, Firecrotch (a clever nickname, if I do say so myself) is on Match.com. Now I refuse to pay for the chance to go on bad dates, so I have no idea if it's actually any better than the free ones I use - but she's been on it for a while now and she goes through boyfriends like dirty underpants, so I'm thinking NOT. However, she even admits that "A girls gotta eat" and that she's on it pretty much just meet people for free food (and the occasional sexual escapade - that's my addition...not actually admitted by Firecrotch!).
Before we delve into the date, let's all agree that my comments will be highlighted in PINK.
This guy seemed plenty nice. His profile was pretty ordinary and standard - kind of like an unimaginative cut and paste job: Drama free, new to the dating world, trying out this "internet thing..." Blah Blah Blah...
Yeah, because no one wants to admit that they've been on the same dating site for years on end. That reminds me...I should delete my account and start over since I have officially been on now for a year and am starting to look undateable. LOL
His stats, again, were average with decent looking pictures. He claimed to be 5'10'' which is an OK height.
I want to add that Firecrotch is like 5'7'' and 5'8'' but has a soft spot for shorter, kinda chubby guys, even though she's a fox. She also has a thing for greasy Italians. I tried to set her up with the Wingman once, which I thought was a good match, but she was having none of that shit and I had to drag her out of the public bathroom so she could dump him publicly.
The conversation lasted for three days...via text (ding ding ding) and we decided to grab dinner at a local restaurant...cool...I was broke anyways and he offered to pay. He was actually very nice, so I was looking forward to the date. Looking back over his profile and his noted height, I dressed to impress, including a sexy-ass pair of heels and skinny jeans.
I planned my arrival to be right on time and waited. He's late. I grab us a table and continue to wait. He waltz's in about 10 minutes late and makes no mention of why he's late. So, I ask. He says it's no big deal, but he just had to finish his beer in the car before coming in. Seriously?! You were driving with an open container and that's no big deal?
He needed to pre-game!
Then, I took a good look at him. Definitely NOT 5'10''. More like 5'5", if that. LIAR! He also had the most busted face I had ever seen on a human. He had what I affectionately call a "nomad forehead" - a forehead where the brow bone sticks out as far as his nose. Interesting ape-like profile.
Why do guys continually lie about height? Do they not think we will notice? I'm am laughing a little here though, because Firecrotch is probably a good 5-6 inches taller than this guy now, which puts him at right about eye level with her boobs. Fantastic.
Oh and the reason we didn't talk on the phone, well that would be because he had a speech impediment, which he casually brought up in case I didn't notice that it sounded like he had cotton in his mouth. I really made an attempt to have at least a drink with him even though I knew I would be bouncing before ordering dinner. After all, I didn't want to be a complete douche.
Waitress: "Can I get you anything?"
Me: "Yes please. I'll take a double of Crown and ginger."
Him: "Ouht Courssss, I'll just takke the sim."
Awesome.
I had a similar issue with a speech impediment - a bad stutter. I really didn't blog about the whole story, but found a way to get out of the situation when he revealed that he wanted kids. I then took the stance of not wanting kids - EVER - and ended the date there.
Awkward conversation continues, and more awesome facts revealed: unemployed, 30ish yr old, living at home with his parents. And for some added kick to this already stellar date...
Him: "Do you use drugs?"
me: "Ummm, yeah, no. With my job its kinda frowned upon."
Him: "Oh, well I don't really either. Just coke once and awhile, but that's no big deal."
DONE! I was done! I reached my breaking point!
Bwhahahahaha. Do his parents know and support his habit?
Then...a miracle...out of the corner of my eye, I see my friends family walked into the pub. I excused myself saying that I needed to use the bathroom - but really, this was my grand escape. I casually grabbed a $20 out of my purse and laid it on the table, which was much more than the drink I ordered and headed over to where my friend's parents were. Naturally, they told me that I could stay with them until my date left, which incidentally took 20 minutes! Yes, HE SAT THERE FOR 20 minutes!!!!! And then I think he got the hint...
Cold man. So cold. But, at least you left him some coke money.
Sad part is, he still texted me the next day. I blocked his number AND deleted my account on Match.com. I also had to buy myself dinner that night.
EPIC FAIL!!!
Firecrotch, you are a rock star. At least he wasn't married.
Thursday, February 23, 2012
Intellectual Inequality
I've been rather quiet the past couple of weeks, but I met someone. Our first date was a meet and greet at a coffee shop in the middle of a Sunday afternoon. Our second date was a couple of days later for sushi and a walk in the park on a particularly sparkling day. Our third date was my suggestion of bowling - which I suggested, followed by several matches of darts - which he suggested because (and I quote) "I just don't want this date to end!"
Neither did I.
He's a kind soul and on paper, a suitable match. And he has 20 inch arms, which for me is as big of a draw as a hairy chest! He is, however, kinda dumb. OK, not even close to kind of. Talking to him makes me feel like I'm speaking to a five year old. I find myself using very basic language and even then I get a quizzical look from him. Can people find happiness with someone who does not have the same intellectual capacity? Or is this just a futile effort on my part?
Neither did I.
He's a kind soul and on paper, a suitable match. And he has 20 inch arms, which for me is as big of a draw as a hairy chest! He is, however, kinda dumb. OK, not even close to kind of. Talking to him makes me feel like I'm speaking to a five year old. I find myself using very basic language and even then I get a quizzical look from him. Can people find happiness with someone who does not have the same intellectual capacity? Or is this just a futile effort on my part?
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
Milestones in internet dating...basically a post about NOTHING
My on-line dating profile is an anomaly of sorts - vague, yet somewhat personal. Witty, yet honest. I listed items of importance to me that will allow the reader to catch a glimpse into my personality.
If they read it.
And, let's be honest. Guys don't. They're visual creatures, regardless if they claim their subscription to Playboy is "only for the articles." (I sometimes peek at Playboy for the celebrity nip slips in the back.)
I've recently did a little test on my profile. It was a bit calculating on my part, but I'm getting pretty tired of the revolving door of first dates due to my broken picker, and this has helped, at least on the surface.I set my profile picture to one of myself wearing a "Candy cane licker" t-shirt.
The t-shirt photo was an amazing success. I got hundreds of replies from men who offered up their own "candy canes," one more redundant than the other. Not a single original message from the bunch. There were two that I called out because after actually reading their profiles, I expected better - until my picker picked up a bit and set me straight.
**************************************
Last week, I received my very first message from a chick!
"I think you are incredibly sexy and wanted to know if you would be interested in another woman. I also have a very well endowed male friend that lives near you. He can play with or without me if you would like to meet one of us."
Although flattered...I like the cock. Of course I expressed that in a much nicer way because ladies don't openly use the work cock. Except that I just did. Twice. Dammit! New Years Resolution, thwarted!
**************************************
Last night, my total "guys who want to meet you" hit 600. Let's not talk about what a farce that feature is and just focus on how incredibly hot and sexy I am that six hundred (plus three more this morning) horny men want to stick the tip in! Blah.
Friday, January 13, 2012
How'd you get that angry?
Over a year ago, I answered an ad on creepy Craigslist and met a guy that I saw a couple of times. He was nice enough, but it didn't take long to find out that he was a child trapped in a man's body. Our first couple of dates involved him being on his best behavior, and then he invited me to his place for dinner.
He served up a tasty meal, I have to admit. It was some kind of chicken stir fry with lots of fresh vegetables.
Afterwards, we retreated to his room.
That's where he lit up a joint and started playing Call of Duty...with a bunch of 8th graders, on line. I'm a bit of a cusser myself, but got super uncomfortable when he started to tell his teammates and opponents that he was going to fuck their mother's in the ass. You know, while I'm sitting there stunned. I pretty much excused myself and left him to play his game.
I was upset with the drug use...but honestly, I was more upset that he thought that I would *enjoy* sitting there watching him play a stupid video game. I told him that I didn't think we had much in common and he quietly went away into the great dating abyss.
Fast forward to this past week. Apparently, he still has my number. I got an out of the blue text from him and of course, I had no idea who it was. So, I asked - and naturally, he didn't take that kindly. He started send me insults masked with little emotion cons, then got upset if I ignored him. I told him flat out that I was not interested and to please take his time elsewhere.
So - he did. On the dating site I use.
Imagine my surprise (not) when he found me there.
I fibbed and told him that I was seeing someone, in hopes that he would just go away. Now, this is true and not - I am talking to a couple of people that I am finding interest in and would like to pursue. He took issue that I am still online and haven't moved offline to chat it up with these people.
(Text is copied and pasted, so don't make fun of me for the misspellings and grammar errors...btw, I didn't respond to any of these emails - but the running commentary he provides makes me wonder what kind of conversation *he thinks* we were having!)
"Fort a girl that claims you are seeing someone or interested in someone you are on here an aweful lot....rather odd and shady for you to be doing so when you SAY you are seeing someone? Underminded."
"LMFAO....perhaps you are keeping your options open and are a shady shitlike most women who claim not? hahaha...That's what cell phones are for....it's ok....you needn't explain anything to me for sure....I just
think it's comedy that you do so still....goes to show that you women are sneaky and shady if not more so
then men...I think its hilarious!"
"LMFAO! Cloak yourself all you desire....I will ALWAYS see through your so-called masked charade!
hahahaha... Peace out!"
"Yeah...sucks when someone calls you out on your bullshithuh? LMFAO! Don't hate me for seeing your shady ass douchbag ways......NOT my fault for you being a grimey cunt...it happens...I just think its absolutely comedy that you try and weasel your way out of it when I called you out...but it's all good....I think you'rejust pissed that you can't hide it from everyone....but good for you that you found a stupid ass gulable guy that will out up with it.....you go girl! LMFAO!"
My eyes hurt. I finally blocked his fucking ass...but I gotta admit, I was enjoying watching the massive implosion.
He served up a tasty meal, I have to admit. It was some kind of chicken stir fry with lots of fresh vegetables.
Afterwards, we retreated to his room.
That's where he lit up a joint and started playing Call of Duty...with a bunch of 8th graders, on line. I'm a bit of a cusser myself, but got super uncomfortable when he started to tell his teammates and opponents that he was going to fuck their mother's in the ass. You know, while I'm sitting there stunned. I pretty much excused myself and left him to play his game.
I was upset with the drug use...but honestly, I was more upset that he thought that I would *enjoy* sitting there watching him play a stupid video game. I told him that I didn't think we had much in common and he quietly went away into the great dating abyss.
Fast forward to this past week. Apparently, he still has my number. I got an out of the blue text from him and of course, I had no idea who it was. So, I asked - and naturally, he didn't take that kindly. He started send me insults masked with little emotion cons, then got upset if I ignored him. I told him flat out that I was not interested and to please take his time elsewhere.
So - he did. On the dating site I use.
Imagine my surprise (not) when he found me there.
I fibbed and told him that I was seeing someone, in hopes that he would just go away. Now, this is true and not - I am talking to a couple of people that I am finding interest in and would like to pursue. He took issue that I am still online and haven't moved offline to chat it up with these people.
(Text is copied and pasted, so don't make fun of me for the misspellings and grammar errors...btw, I didn't respond to any of these emails - but the running commentary he provides makes me wonder what kind of conversation *he thinks* we were having!)
"Fort a girl that claims you are seeing someone or interested in someone you are on here an aweful lot....rather odd and shady for you to be doing so when you SAY you are seeing someone? Underminded."
"LMFAO....perhaps you are keeping your options open and are a shady shitlike most women who claim not? hahaha...That's what cell phones are for....it's ok....you needn't explain anything to me for sure....I just
think it's comedy that you do so still....goes to show that you women are sneaky and shady if not more so
then men...I think its hilarious!"
"LMFAO! Cloak yourself all you desire....I will ALWAYS see through your so-called masked charade!
hahahaha... Peace out!"
"Yeah...sucks when someone calls you out on your bullshithuh? LMFAO! Don't hate me for seeing your shady ass douchbag ways......NOT my fault for you being a grimey cunt...it happens...I just think its absolutely comedy that you try and weasel your way out of it when I called you out...but it's all good....I think you'rejust pissed that you can't hide it from everyone....but good for you that you found a stupid ass gulable guy that will out up with it.....you go girl! LMFAO!"
My eyes hurt. I finally blocked his fucking ass...but I gotta admit, I was enjoying watching the massive implosion.
Monday, January 9, 2012
Fuck it. No, seriously...fuck it.
I was going to keep adding updates to my last post, but thought it would be a futile effort when all is said and done.
This morning, out of sheer curiosity, I checked Mr. Married Facebook Guy's page. The thumbnail and suggestion was gone from my phone. I searched his name, and the page had disappeared. There are two troubling scenarios...I was blocked, or he set his entire profile to private...and that of his wife's as well. Either way, it wasn't good because it meant that POF guy and Mr. Married Facebook Guy were the same person. The coincidence was now just too great and the scales are tipped with sufficient proof.
"Funny. XXX has disappeared from facebook, as has his wife, XXX."
"XXX is my cousin. I'm staying with him since I came here. He flipped the fuck out on me. I'm sorry but I can't have him kicking me out so I told him."
Can we talk about this for a second? JUST YESTERDAY POF Guy told me that he had *no idea* who this person on facebook was. He said he had never met him or even heard of him. Turns out, he lied to me, but the lie is greater and more grand because there's a level of sceeming and lying that I am just not used to.
The story he came up with, is that his cousin is Mr. Married Facebook Guy and he is staying with him and his wife. He told his cousin of the facebook snafu, and he supposedly flipped out (WHY???) upset that I would try to contact him or (more importantly) his wife. I would think that if this was the likely scenario, the cousin would chuckle and tell POF Guy to invite me over so we could all have a fantastic laugh about it. Ummmm no...the reaction instead was "he seriously went ape shit on me because you were probably going to message him or his wife and then he said he would kill himself." Yes...KILL. HIMSELF.
That statement alone pretty much summed up the fact that this guy is the Married Facebook Guy. (Anyone out there still want to give him the benefit of the doubt?) I told him that I believed that he is married. I then asked him to please not do that to another girl because it really hurts to get knocked down in that manner - nor is it fair.
Nothing should surprise me at this point, but this does. I'm ashamed to admit that I shed a tear (or several) because I was too trusting, too wanting to be emotionally available, too naive to see the initial writing on the wall. I don't want to turn into one of those hard-assed bitches who has so many walls up that happiness will never been fully realized! But, I see myself getting to that point, especially with this experience.
This morning, out of sheer curiosity, I checked Mr. Married Facebook Guy's page. The thumbnail and suggestion was gone from my phone. I searched his name, and the page had disappeared. There are two troubling scenarios...I was blocked, or he set his entire profile to private...and that of his wife's as well. Either way, it wasn't good because it meant that POF guy and Mr. Married Facebook Guy were the same person. The coincidence was now just too great and the scales are tipped with sufficient proof.
"Funny. XXX has disappeared from facebook, as has his wife, XXX."
"XXX is my cousin. I'm staying with him since I came here. He flipped the fuck out on me. I'm sorry but I can't have him kicking me out so I told him."
Can we talk about this for a second? JUST YESTERDAY POF Guy told me that he had *no idea* who this person on facebook was. He said he had never met him or even heard of him. Turns out, he lied to me, but the lie is greater and more grand because there's a level of sceeming and lying that I am just not used to.
The story he came up with, is that his cousin is Mr. Married Facebook Guy and he is staying with him and his wife. He told his cousin of the facebook snafu, and he supposedly flipped out (WHY???) upset that I would try to contact him or (more importantly) his wife. I would think that if this was the likely scenario, the cousin would chuckle and tell POF Guy to invite me over so we could all have a fantastic laugh about it. Ummmm no...the reaction instead was "he seriously went ape shit on me because you were probably going to message him or his wife and then he said he would kill himself." Yes...KILL. HIMSELF.
That statement alone pretty much summed up the fact that this guy is the Married Facebook Guy. (Anyone out there still want to give him the benefit of the doubt?) I told him that I believed that he is married. I then asked him to please not do that to another girl because it really hurts to get knocked down in that manner - nor is it fair.
Nothing should surprise me at this point, but this does. I'm ashamed to admit that I shed a tear (or several) because I was too trusting, too wanting to be emotionally available, too naive to see the initial writing on the wall. I don't want to turn into one of those hard-assed bitches who has so many walls up that happiness will never been fully realized! But, I see myself getting to that point, especially with this experience.
Sunday, January 8, 2012
Deception uncovered?
The guy: 5'10'', dark hair, good looking, 33 years old, dog owner (breed specific), Football fan (team specific), educated, State employee who newly relocated to the area a few months ago, spicy food lover, relationship minded, single with no children.
In other words...perfect for me, on paper.
We chatted for about a week before I finally said "Screw this! I'm giving you my phone number. Text me sometime."
He did. We chatted all night.
The thing about getting a phone number, or email address is that if you have a smart phone, and a facebook account, you will then get a lovely email saying who your phone thinks you should be friends with. This has worked well for me in the past when I came upon 'The Tinkler,' and it has laid down a ton of confusion for me right now.
You see, the man that my phone thinks I should be friends with is married.
There are way too many coincidences for me to think anything but negatively about this. Same first name, same last name first initial, same dog (different name - facebook guy named his "Snoopy" and POF guy said his was named "Spoons"), same football team, same location of hometown. I had my favorite married couple compare the photos and they both agreed that it was probably the same guy...the facebook guy being 10 years older than the POF photos.
I feel had.
My sister thinks that I should continue talking to him and agree to meet with his this coming week (as we've been planning) and if he isn't how he's publicized himself she gives me permission to dump a glass of ice water in his lap. I have to admit, I kind of like that idea, even if it's not really me.
What I decided to do is ask him. Novel idea, eh? Being upfront and honest?!
I texted him this morning. I explained what I had found and he replied...stunned. He said he didn't know what to say, but he is not that guy and he is not married. I don't know what to believe, and I am beyond confused at this point. My bullshit meter isn't going off like it should!
He asked if he could call me tonight so we could talk and possibly set up a date for this week because he wants to take me to dinner. I told him he could.
What are the chances that this guy, who is so perfect for me on paper, is actually the real deal? What are the chances that this whole facebook thing is actually a really weird snafu? What are the chances that I'm just a complete moron and I'm being played by the king of all playas?
Also...I have to say - facebook is freakin awesome as a free PI.
Monday, December 19, 2011
Do these boots make me look slutty?
I sent this picture to a couple of my lady friends and asked for their opinion as to whether or not these skinny, holey jeans and boots give off an impression of sluttiness. Or rather, "non-mommy" material. We all know that women take great pains when it comes to dressing for dates, because the first impression is so vitally important. If you look hot, you feel hot and if you're feeling your date - - you might get laid!
For me, this fashion choice was a little more...strategic. You see, the dude as 7 kids.
Yes. S-E-V-E-N. From ages 4 to 23. And, he's only 39. (Do the math!) So, the overall goal was to look as "non-mommy" as possible. According to a couple of friends, the brown boots showed above were not slutty enough, so I changed into a pair of black stiletto knee high boots, and there was 100% agreement that that look was sluttier. (Which makes me think a little, because I wear those boots almost every day! OMG.)
Why did I agree to go on a date with a guy who pays child support for a basketball team? I've been on so many crappy dates recently and he seemed genuinely excited about meeting me. Nor did he approach the subject of sex during our conversations and he didn't show me his penis. And, hello. FREE BEER!
Come on. You know you were thinking it too, by now. As my friend likes to say, "a girl's gotta eat."
The date, meh. I found out that he has 3 baby-mamas to go with his commune of kids. All 3 women he married and all of the children were planned. Oh...and, he cheated on ALL of his wives with multiple partners. It's very obvious that the guy can't keep his willy in his pants (or covered with a thin barrier). For a moment, I thought that the lower portion of my outfit might work against me and make him see me as the "next mommy" but luckily he caught onto my signs of displeasure and foreseeable rejection.
This date did get me thinking. How much is *too much* to reveal? Revealing that you cheated on all of your wives throughout the duration of your marriage(s) isn't really going to show you in the best of light. I can't imagine wanting to hop right into his bed. Or, maybe - like my "non-mommy material" boots, his revelation was his way of waving his own white flag and subliminally telling me that he wasn't interested as well. No explanation needed.
Dating is all about the signals, good and bad.
On a side note - Wombat fashioned a post about sexual planning from a comment I made about one of my favorite sexual positions. I may or may not have a slight crush on Wombat. His use of the english language kinda makes me weak in the knees. Check out Kiss And Blog!
Friday, December 16, 2011
Someone pick me up off the floor - I'm laughing too hard
Just when you thought you'd seen it all and nothing could surprise you - this happens.
I got a message from a guy yesterday. We went back and forth for a bit, then hopped onto the chat feature and took it from there. He was very complimentary of my photos and profile and said that I seemed like a really nice girl that he was interested in getting to know better. He asked if he could call me later that night, which I agreed to and we exchanged phone numbers. He then asked if I had facebook, which - HELLO! All the cool kids are on facebook...of course I am as well. He sent a facebook friend request and I sat on that for about an hour before my own curiosity got the best of me. I approved him, then started digging through his pictures. (I realize that's a bit stalkerish - but I assume he was doing the same.) Then very suddenly and without warning...he defriended me.
I know there are some pretty ugly pictures that I've been tagged in, but really? LOL
So - I went back to our chat session, which had still been on-going and he had blocked me!
I was pretty dumbfounded, to say the least. So, shaking my head at the ridiculousness of it all, I texted him this morning. Because, after all...he gave me his phone number. Sucker! So, I let my fingers do the talking.
I really hope that if you try talking to women in the future, and if they open up a private space for you, don't use that against them. I have no idea what made you decide that I'm not worthy to talk to, but whatever. If you're as honest as you claim to be, I'm sure you would've told me. And that bullshit about being raised by a single mother...shelve it please. You have absolutely no integrity.
And that's when I found out that *I* was the sucker!
Who is this? I think you have the wrong number. I'm in North Carolina and I don't know anyone in area code xxx. Where is that anyway?
(Oh good god! Really? REALLY?!)
I'm sorry! Some guy named xxx is giving your number out on a dating site. I apologize. I was played.
xxx you say? That's my son's daddy. U must be in xxx. He's up there visiting for wedding. He's crazy. He lives in NC, owns a home here. He's just looking for a lay sounds like. He played me too, except now we have a son together.
(Hmmm...he told me he didn't have kids. And, that he moved to my area several months ago and was looking for someone to show him around.)
He didn't admit to a child. This is so fucked up! Go onto a dating site and give your ex-girlfriend's number out?! I'm so sorry. I've met a number of weirdos...but he takes the cake. I hope you don't get more girls yelling at you like I did, thinking it was him.
Wow, he is too funny. He owns a custom home building company in Charlotte. I know he didn't move to xxx. He packed a suitcase for a week and has round trip airfare. I do know that he is staying at the xxx in xxx. Hate to ask this, but are you a stripper? He only messes with them. Guess that's why he liked me...haha.
(OMG! Did he think I was a stripper?! Like a really HOT stripper, or one of those ugly-ass phone sex operator strippers with saggy boobs and a penis tucked into their asshole?)
LOL. That's a nice hotel. I can't say this enough...I'm sorry you were dragged into this. It's really unfair to you. I still have no idea why he would give your number. I am not a stripper, although I once took an exotic dance class...which I didn't reveal to him.
Sweet! Hey listen, you sound nice, if you want to talk to him on-line again, don't tell him I told you this, but he's MARRIED. He gave you my number because he's an asshole.
(Awesome. Married. With a separate baby mama. What a catch.)
WOW!!! It just keeps getting better! LOL. You sound like a great girl too.
We should be facebook friends.
Let's do it.
And there you have it. You can be anything you want on-line. You can block, delete and defriend all day long. But if you give out someone else's phone number, and they know your ass intimately - and it's not someone who believes in bro-code, you can't expect them to keep quiet on your douche'baggery.
I can only hope that my new friend doesn't get herself into too much trouble, but I do have to admit that I am STILL laughing from all of these new developments and have no intention of throwing her under the bus. Besides, I have since blocked him, so he can't see our new budding friendship develop. :)
It's funny...I was once afraid when I first started this blog that I wouldn't have enough stories to keep it going. I now firmly believe that there are enough freaks and weirdos in the dating world to sustain me for a lifetime. Now, if only Prince Charming would come down and wrap me in his golden cloak of normalcy! However I once read somewhere that Prince Charming was gay...so that wouldn't work for me either.
I got a message from a guy yesterday. We went back and forth for a bit, then hopped onto the chat feature and took it from there. He was very complimentary of my photos and profile and said that I seemed like a really nice girl that he was interested in getting to know better. He asked if he could call me later that night, which I agreed to and we exchanged phone numbers. He then asked if I had facebook, which - HELLO! All the cool kids are on facebook...of course I am as well. He sent a facebook friend request and I sat on that for about an hour before my own curiosity got the best of me. I approved him, then started digging through his pictures. (I realize that's a bit stalkerish - but I assume he was doing the same.) Then very suddenly and without warning...he defriended me.
I know there are some pretty ugly pictures that I've been tagged in, but really? LOL
So - I went back to our chat session, which had still been on-going and he had blocked me!
I was pretty dumbfounded, to say the least. So, shaking my head at the ridiculousness of it all, I texted him this morning. Because, after all...he gave me his phone number. Sucker! So, I let my fingers do the talking.
I really hope that if you try talking to women in the future, and if they open up a private space for you, don't use that against them. I have no idea what made you decide that I'm not worthy to talk to, but whatever. If you're as honest as you claim to be, I'm sure you would've told me. And that bullshit about being raised by a single mother...shelve it please. You have absolutely no integrity.
And that's when I found out that *I* was the sucker!
Who is this? I think you have the wrong number. I'm in North Carolina and I don't know anyone in area code xxx. Where is that anyway?
(Oh good god! Really? REALLY?!)
I'm sorry! Some guy named xxx is giving your number out on a dating site. I apologize. I was played.
xxx you say? That's my son's daddy. U must be in xxx. He's up there visiting for wedding. He's crazy. He lives in NC, owns a home here. He's just looking for a lay sounds like. He played me too, except now we have a son together.
(Hmmm...he told me he didn't have kids. And, that he moved to my area several months ago and was looking for someone to show him around.)
He didn't admit to a child. This is so fucked up! Go onto a dating site and give your ex-girlfriend's number out?! I'm so sorry. I've met a number of weirdos...but he takes the cake. I hope you don't get more girls yelling at you like I did, thinking it was him.
Wow, he is too funny. He owns a custom home building company in Charlotte. I know he didn't move to xxx. He packed a suitcase for a week and has round trip airfare. I do know that he is staying at the xxx in xxx. Hate to ask this, but are you a stripper? He only messes with them. Guess that's why he liked me...haha.
(OMG! Did he think I was a stripper?! Like a really HOT stripper, or one of those ugly-ass phone sex operator strippers with saggy boobs and a penis tucked into their asshole?)
LOL. That's a nice hotel. I can't say this enough...I'm sorry you were dragged into this. It's really unfair to you. I still have no idea why he would give your number. I am not a stripper, although I once took an exotic dance class...which I didn't reveal to him.
Sweet! Hey listen, you sound nice, if you want to talk to him on-line again, don't tell him I told you this, but he's MARRIED. He gave you my number because he's an asshole.
(Awesome. Married. With a separate baby mama. What a catch.)
WOW!!! It just keeps getting better! LOL. You sound like a great girl too.
We should be facebook friends.
Let's do it.
And there you have it. You can be anything you want on-line. You can block, delete and defriend all day long. But if you give out someone else's phone number, and they know your ass intimately - and it's not someone who believes in bro-code, you can't expect them to keep quiet on your douche'baggery.
I can only hope that my new friend doesn't get herself into too much trouble, but I do have to admit that I am STILL laughing from all of these new developments and have no intention of throwing her under the bus. Besides, I have since blocked him, so he can't see our new budding friendship develop. :)
It's funny...I was once afraid when I first started this blog that I wouldn't have enough stories to keep it going. I now firmly believe that there are enough freaks and weirdos in the dating world to sustain me for a lifetime. Now, if only Prince Charming would come down and wrap me in his golden cloak of normalcy! However I once read somewhere that Prince Charming was gay...so that wouldn't work for me either.
Thursday, December 15, 2011
Interesting developments in the case of the creeper
Which creeper you ask?
I know. There's been quite a few. I'm specifically speaking about the one last week - whom I was excited about meeting, then met and actually felt bad about the way things turned out. I may have cried, if I remember correctly. I know I went home feeling like a big pile of flaming dog shit.
Last night, as I was killing time and multi-tasking, I came across a profile I had not seen before.
The skies opened up, my eyes got big, I let out a huge sigh of relief and followed with a long drawn out chuckle. Although I did not necessarily dodge a bullet - because, after all I still had the pleasure of meeting the kid - I did have the gumption to leave before anything bad happened to myself or my wallet. It sounds as though others did not.
Behold the words of the vigilante*:
For those of you ladies who have had the pleasure (I mean heartache) of dating/meeting/chatting with MD198333, mrromantic0903, or now mr. romantic (aka Tim), he just changed his name, then please be aware that he is a con. He dates multiple women and doesnt use protection...if you know what I mean. His profile is false and he is nothing he claims to be. I am only here to warn as many girls that would like to be warned. If you choose to get ahold of him then good luck to you cuz he will womanize you. I am only looking out for others so they don't have to put up with his lies. But when you find out the truth, please don't say you weren't warned. Please be careful as he is also jealous, insecure and has a temper at times.
Just in case he happens to change his screen name again, his real name is Tim and he claims he is a Dr/PA/orthopedic surgeon...but he's definitely not. If you meet up with him his wallet will somehow be "lost" or his ATM accounts will be "frozen" and will not have money. He is NOT a millionaire! He will also be quick to try to kiss you or get physically involved...most likely by going to a park. I've also been informed that he also has been on craigslist, cupid.com and possibly other dating sites.
I use this blog as a means to keep myself entertained on these dates I subject myself to. I have to admit that I love the idea of someone creating a fake profile (as a man, so the women will be the ones to see it), and letting out this guys dirty laundry! Why had no one thought of this before?! It really could've saved me a load of time and effort. LOL. Although, then there would be no juicy stories to pass on.
I did reply to the person and told him/her of my experience and commended them on thinking of this form of communication to stop a predator. I have received no answer yet.
*In my head, I want to think that the owner of the fake profile is this guys best friend who is looking out for the female population as a whole, because he's disgusted at how this low-life treats the fairer sex. I may also imagine that he wears a superhero costume and has special powers, but truth of the matter is, it's probably just a woman scorned.
I know. There's been quite a few. I'm specifically speaking about the one last week - whom I was excited about meeting, then met and actually felt bad about the way things turned out. I may have cried, if I remember correctly. I know I went home feeling like a big pile of flaming dog shit.
Last night, as I was killing time and multi-tasking, I came across a profile I had not seen before.
The skies opened up, my eyes got big, I let out a huge sigh of relief and followed with a long drawn out chuckle. Although I did not necessarily dodge a bullet - because, after all I still had the pleasure of meeting the kid - I did have the gumption to leave before anything bad happened to myself or my wallet. It sounds as though others did not.
Behold the words of the vigilante*:
For those of you ladies who have had the pleasure (I mean heartache) of dating/meeting/chatting with MD198333, mrromantic0903, or now mr. romantic (aka Tim), he just changed his name, then please be aware that he is a con. He dates multiple women and doesnt use protection...if you know what I mean. His profile is false and he is nothing he claims to be. I am only here to warn as many girls that would like to be warned. If you choose to get ahold of him then good luck to you cuz he will womanize you. I am only looking out for others so they don't have to put up with his lies. But when you find out the truth, please don't say you weren't warned. Please be careful as he is also jealous, insecure and has a temper at times.
Just in case he happens to change his screen name again, his real name is Tim and he claims he is a Dr/PA/orthopedic surgeon...but he's definitely not. If you meet up with him his wallet will somehow be "lost" or his ATM accounts will be "frozen" and will not have money. He is NOT a millionaire! He will also be quick to try to kiss you or get physically involved...most likely by going to a park. I've also been informed that he also has been on craigslist, cupid.com and possibly other dating sites.
I use this blog as a means to keep myself entertained on these dates I subject myself to. I have to admit that I love the idea of someone creating a fake profile (as a man, so the women will be the ones to see it), and letting out this guys dirty laundry! Why had no one thought of this before?! It really could've saved me a load of time and effort. LOL. Although, then there would be no juicy stories to pass on.
I did reply to the person and told him/her of my experience and commended them on thinking of this form of communication to stop a predator. I have received no answer yet.
*In my head, I want to think that the owner of the fake profile is this guys best friend who is looking out for the female population as a whole, because he's disgusted at how this low-life treats the fairer sex. I may also imagine that he wears a superhero costume and has special powers, but truth of the matter is, it's probably just a woman scorned.
Thursday, December 8, 2011
Real men don't eat "morsels"
I used to like morsels. Little chocolate drops of goodness in my cookies, patented by Nestle Toll House. Now, when I hear the word, a chill goes down my spine and gives me the willies - and all because I once went on a couple of dates with a guy who refused to eat normal sized meals. It was just weird.
For the record, I know that's a pretty shitty reason not to pursue a relationship with someone. The actual excuse I gave was his clingy'ness was overwhelming - which it was - but his appetite of a bird was the true reason for the separation. If there is one thing I know about my rules of attraction, is that I like manly men. Manly men don't eat bite sized meals, just like they don't eat quiche...they scarf down 20 oz. steaks! If I'm cooking for a man, I want him to eat my food with gusto and help himself to seconds, not pick at the plate like a little girl.
We chatted for a while before meeting. This was way before I was suckered into creating a profile on-line. I was scoping out the awesome men on the Craigslist Personals. (Which honestly, in my experience is creepy, but did produce better dates than the ones I met on an actual "dating site.") He was a genuinely nice guy - new to the area, a professional photographer specializing in naturalist art. He asked me out for dinner to a lovely Thai place and thus is started.
I was famished when I arrived for the date and really excited to try their pad thai, which is one of my favorite dishes. Even now, my mouth is watering just typing about it! I glanced at the menu, but I knew what I had my heart set on, so when the waitress came over to take our order, I didn't hesitate at all. Of course, this is also when I learned that you should discuss your food choice with your date. I excitedly ordered the pad thai, extra spicy, and he ordered an appetizer.
The thought and worry that went through my mind at that time were a little "female crazy." Did I misunderstand him when he said he wanted to go to dinner? Did I unknowingly order the most expensive thing on the menu? Why isn't he eating? Did he already peg me for someone he wasn't interested in, so he ordered something small so that he could get out the date fast? Can he not afford this place? I'm going to be eating in front of him while he sits and watches me! I should've ordered something small too, because now I feel like I'm going to owe him! God, he thinks I'm a fatso. I know...I'll just eat half and take the rest to go - - or offer to share. Ahhh....what if he pulls that move that you see in movies where the guy feeds the girl? That's so stupid. Fuck that! If he wants to eat off my plate without swapping spit first, I'm outta here. Oh god, my stomach just growled. Wait! Here comes my food!
Yup. That was pretty much the internal monologue I had.
And true to form, he finished his 3 dumplings first, and I ate in front of him for the next 15 minutes.
After our plates were collected (and my leftovers put into a handy container for me to take home), I asked him why he didn't order a meal.
"I like small morsels of food."
Honestly, I didn't know where to go from there. Obviously, the men I've dated or had relationships in the past were great big food loving hogs - and I appreciated that. This whole thing was so new to me, and not new in a good way. The date ended casually, he walked me to my car and gave me a big hug before we parted ways. I immediately texted a friend who was out with a couple of girlfriends - and met them out for a nightcap.
"Guys...he eats morsels. What the fuck are morsels? That's just weird."
"Stop finding the perceived negative in people and just give him a chance for fuck's sake. You are being way to shallow."
That's my girl...always ready to kick my ass the way real friends do.
Mr. Morsel didn't wait until the pre-requisite 3 days to call me again. I heard from him the next day, asking me out again for the next weekend. I swallowed my shallowness and said yes, thinking I can play this game and eat small bites too. Funny thing, he suggested a fancier place with a well known chef who is known for their small bites - mainly a dish made of pork belly. (Yum. I've only heard rumors of this pork belly dish and now was excited about my own morsel experience!)
Second date was good and lasted for hours. Plates of morsels littered our table as we both picked at the spread before us. This date ended with a kiss, which was very nice. It happened in the street between our cars and actually caused a pedestrian to whistle and proclaim that it was inspiring to see two people in love. Ummm...
The getting to know you phase lasted another couple of weeks, followed by a dinner at my house, which I painstakingly prepared and filled with, you guessed it, small morsels. That's when I realized that I hated cooking in that way and the constant state of cling'dom came on full force. This was not going to work.
And really, it wasn't him...it was me. Some people have their quirks and although his as such a small drop in the bucket, I couldn't deal with it. Food is so sensual, and the preparation of food in particular. It's a way for me to show my desire for someone - and in this entire dating cycle, he is the only one I've ever prepared a "meal" for...and it sadly, just didn't work for me.
Truth be told, there is someone out there that will snatch him up in a heartbeat. That someone just wasn't me.
For the record, I know that's a pretty shitty reason not to pursue a relationship with someone. The actual excuse I gave was his clingy'ness was overwhelming - which it was - but his appetite of a bird was the true reason for the separation. If there is one thing I know about my rules of attraction, is that I like manly men. Manly men don't eat bite sized meals, just like they don't eat quiche...they scarf down 20 oz. steaks! If I'm cooking for a man, I want him to eat my food with gusto and help himself to seconds, not pick at the plate like a little girl.
We chatted for a while before meeting. This was way before I was suckered into creating a profile on-line. I was scoping out the awesome men on the Craigslist Personals. (Which honestly, in my experience is creepy, but did produce better dates than the ones I met on an actual "dating site.") He was a genuinely nice guy - new to the area, a professional photographer specializing in naturalist art. He asked me out for dinner to a lovely Thai place and thus is started.
I was famished when I arrived for the date and really excited to try their pad thai, which is one of my favorite dishes. Even now, my mouth is watering just typing about it! I glanced at the menu, but I knew what I had my heart set on, so when the waitress came over to take our order, I didn't hesitate at all. Of course, this is also when I learned that you should discuss your food choice with your date. I excitedly ordered the pad thai, extra spicy, and he ordered an appetizer.
The thought and worry that went through my mind at that time were a little "female crazy." Did I misunderstand him when he said he wanted to go to dinner? Did I unknowingly order the most expensive thing on the menu? Why isn't he eating? Did he already peg me for someone he wasn't interested in, so he ordered something small so that he could get out the date fast? Can he not afford this place? I'm going to be eating in front of him while he sits and watches me! I should've ordered something small too, because now I feel like I'm going to owe him! God, he thinks I'm a fatso. I know...I'll just eat half and take the rest to go - - or offer to share. Ahhh....what if he pulls that move that you see in movies where the guy feeds the girl? That's so stupid. Fuck that! If he wants to eat off my plate without swapping spit first, I'm outta here. Oh god, my stomach just growled. Wait! Here comes my food!
Yup. That was pretty much the internal monologue I had.
And true to form, he finished his 3 dumplings first, and I ate in front of him for the next 15 minutes.
After our plates were collected (and my leftovers put into a handy container for me to take home), I asked him why he didn't order a meal.
"I like small morsels of food."
Honestly, I didn't know where to go from there. Obviously, the men I've dated or had relationships in the past were great big food loving hogs - and I appreciated that. This whole thing was so new to me, and not new in a good way. The date ended casually, he walked me to my car and gave me a big hug before we parted ways. I immediately texted a friend who was out with a couple of girlfriends - and met them out for a nightcap.
"Guys...he eats morsels. What the fuck are morsels? That's just weird."
"Stop finding the perceived negative in people and just give him a chance for fuck's sake. You are being way to shallow."
That's my girl...always ready to kick my ass the way real friends do.
Mr. Morsel didn't wait until the pre-requisite 3 days to call me again. I heard from him the next day, asking me out again for the next weekend. I swallowed my shallowness and said yes, thinking I can play this game and eat small bites too. Funny thing, he suggested a fancier place with a well known chef who is known for their small bites - mainly a dish made of pork belly. (Yum. I've only heard rumors of this pork belly dish and now was excited about my own morsel experience!)
Second date was good and lasted for hours. Plates of morsels littered our table as we both picked at the spread before us. This date ended with a kiss, which was very nice. It happened in the street between our cars and actually caused a pedestrian to whistle and proclaim that it was inspiring to see two people in love. Ummm...
The getting to know you phase lasted another couple of weeks, followed by a dinner at my house, which I painstakingly prepared and filled with, you guessed it, small morsels. That's when I realized that I hated cooking in that way and the constant state of cling'dom came on full force. This was not going to work.
And really, it wasn't him...it was me. Some people have their quirks and although his as such a small drop in the bucket, I couldn't deal with it. Food is so sensual, and the preparation of food in particular. It's a way for me to show my desire for someone - and in this entire dating cycle, he is the only one I've ever prepared a "meal" for...and it sadly, just didn't work for me.
Truth be told, there is someone out there that will snatch him up in a heartbeat. That someone just wasn't me.
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
My 'picker' is off
I am a certified loser magnet.
I could probably end this post right there and not continue to dwell on what happened last night, but for the sake of this blog and any other loser magnet that may stumble across these ramblings, I will write it all out.
I went on my date last night with this guy, you know...the guy I claimed to have high hopes for? And, I did. Yes, there was the age difference, but at this point in the game, it really didn't matter to me that much. We spend a good chunk of time on the phone over the last couple of days talking about the usual stuff. He "passed" all of my pre-date requirements. He has obviously played this game before because I was fooled.
The date was his to plan. Being new to the area himself, I was very interested to see what he would come up with - and gave him a couple of ideas to help him along. (ex: coffee at this really cool little place.) Later in the day, he said to meet him in the parking lot outside of the movie theaters and we'd go from there. Oooooo....mysterious!
Sitting through my committee meeting was torture! I kept looking at the clock. Luckily, I was the one running it, so I was able to keep everyone else on track and got out of there with minutes to spare. On my way to the rendezvous, I got a text from him saying "So, I was thinking we could go to your house if we hit it off." Ummm....no. I explained that I wanted to have a first meeting in public and was looking forward to getting to know him. I pulled into the parking lot, found him and walked over to his car. I sat down, and it went positively downhill from there.
The conversation went as follows:
Me: Hi, xxx. Nice to finally meet you.
Him: Can I kiss you?
Me: Ummm...I guess. (Thinking it would be a swift peck on the cheek.)
*insert tongue down my throat here*
Me: (pulling myself out of his grasp) I wasn't expecting that exactly.
Him: I really like you.
Me: So, what have you got planned for us?
Him: Let's go back to your place.
Me: I already told you that I'm not going to do that. Why don't we go have a beer?
Him: I have to insert a heart cath into a patient in the morning, so I'm not drinking tonight.
Me: Oh, ok. That's fine. How about a cup of coffee?
Him: I don't drink caffeine at night.
Me: Did you eat dinner yet? (Fair question...I had not, being stuck in a meeting.)
Him: Yes. And, I'm not going to sit in a restaurant and watch you eat. I also think it's boring to just sit and talk. I want to do something.
Me: How about bowling?
Him: How about we just go back to your house?
Me: No. I'm firm on that, so please respect my wishes to not bring a stranger back to my place. I would like to sit and talk to you and get to know you better. I've been on some pretty bad dates and I'm trying to learn from those dates.
Him: I think you're judging me for the bad dates you've been on.
Me: I may be, and I'm sorry. I just prefer not to be hurt.
Him: I think that we just chalk this meeting up to being two different people who want different things.
Me: OK. So, I guess I'll just leave then. You've already made up your mind that since I won't invite you over tonight, that you'd rather not get to know me.
Him: We can just go back to your place.
*I start digging for my keys in my bag*
Me: I'm terribly sorry if you felt you wasted your time. If you get home and think these past ten minutes over and you'd like to actually go and do something fun to get to know each other - I'm free on Friday night.
Him: I already told you my life story. You know all about me.
Me: No I don't. You can't learn about people in a couple of phone conversations. And, it would've been nice for you to try to learn more about me. Take care.
So - I get out of his grasp and start to walk back to my car. What I hadn't noticed in the time I was in his car, is that it started to rain. Without looking back, I can hear that he put his car into drive and was pulling out. He left the parking lot before I even unlocked my car.
His self proclaimed "maturity" went out the window. This kid was a fool. I was a fool. And, what makes it more scary for me is that he was getting so aggressive - pulling my arm and locking the door - I was a little concerned for my well being. That's a fucking HORRIBLE feeling, let me tell you. And one reason I insist upon meeting in a public place. If I had known that the conversation was going to go down in that way, I would've never gotten out of my car.
Driving home, I got really angry...at myself mostly. It seems as though every guy I get excited about, let's me down. Is the cure to that becoming totally jaded? How fair is it to go on a first date with someone and not at least try. Lord knows I've been on some lousy dates, but to my credit I do really try to engage and be funny, even if I'm not feeling the person. (Unless, you're him...then all bets are off.) Was this just some kind of big elaborate plan just to get me into bed - be super nice for several days so my guard is down, because you are so great that I will automatically drop my panties within 5 minutes of actually meeting you?!
I called my friend for a little feminine therapy, because sometimes it's nice to hear other people swear and make fun of people they don't know. I then asked the age old question from most singles - "Why don't you and your husband have any cute single guy friends? Can you get on that please?" Needless to say, that then sparked a whole facebook friend overhaul and now the quest is on to find a non-creeper for their friend Miz Adventures.
God help us.
I could probably end this post right there and not continue to dwell on what happened last night, but for the sake of this blog and any other loser magnet that may stumble across these ramblings, I will write it all out.
I went on my date last night with this guy, you know...the guy I claimed to have high hopes for? And, I did. Yes, there was the age difference, but at this point in the game, it really didn't matter to me that much. We spend a good chunk of time on the phone over the last couple of days talking about the usual stuff. He "passed" all of my pre-date requirements. He has obviously played this game before because I was fooled.
The date was his to plan. Being new to the area himself, I was very interested to see what he would come up with - and gave him a couple of ideas to help him along. (ex: coffee at this really cool little place.) Later in the day, he said to meet him in the parking lot outside of the movie theaters and we'd go from there. Oooooo....mysterious!
Sitting through my committee meeting was torture! I kept looking at the clock. Luckily, I was the one running it, so I was able to keep everyone else on track and got out of there with minutes to spare. On my way to the rendezvous, I got a text from him saying "So, I was thinking we could go to your house if we hit it off." Ummm....no. I explained that I wanted to have a first meeting in public and was looking forward to getting to know him. I pulled into the parking lot, found him and walked over to his car. I sat down, and it went positively downhill from there.
The conversation went as follows:
Me: Hi, xxx. Nice to finally meet you.
Him: Can I kiss you?
Me: Ummm...I guess. (Thinking it would be a swift peck on the cheek.)
*insert tongue down my throat here*
Me: (pulling myself out of his grasp) I wasn't expecting that exactly.
Him: I really like you.
Me: So, what have you got planned for us?
Him: Let's go back to your place.
Me: I already told you that I'm not going to do that. Why don't we go have a beer?
Him: I have to insert a heart cath into a patient in the morning, so I'm not drinking tonight.
Me: Oh, ok. That's fine. How about a cup of coffee?
Him: I don't drink caffeine at night.
Me: Did you eat dinner yet? (Fair question...I had not, being stuck in a meeting.)
Him: Yes. And, I'm not going to sit in a restaurant and watch you eat. I also think it's boring to just sit and talk. I want to do something.
Me: How about bowling?
Him: How about we just go back to your house?
Me: No. I'm firm on that, so please respect my wishes to not bring a stranger back to my place. I would like to sit and talk to you and get to know you better. I've been on some pretty bad dates and I'm trying to learn from those dates.
Him: I think you're judging me for the bad dates you've been on.
Me: I may be, and I'm sorry. I just prefer not to be hurt.
Him: I think that we just chalk this meeting up to being two different people who want different things.
Me: OK. So, I guess I'll just leave then. You've already made up your mind that since I won't invite you over tonight, that you'd rather not get to know me.
Him: We can just go back to your place.
*I start digging for my keys in my bag*
Me: I'm terribly sorry if you felt you wasted your time. If you get home and think these past ten minutes over and you'd like to actually go and do something fun to get to know each other - I'm free on Friday night.
Him: I already told you my life story. You know all about me.
Me: No I don't. You can't learn about people in a couple of phone conversations. And, it would've been nice for you to try to learn more about me. Take care.
So - I get out of his grasp and start to walk back to my car. What I hadn't noticed in the time I was in his car, is that it started to rain. Without looking back, I can hear that he put his car into drive and was pulling out. He left the parking lot before I even unlocked my car.
His self proclaimed "maturity" went out the window. This kid was a fool. I was a fool. And, what makes it more scary for me is that he was getting so aggressive - pulling my arm and locking the door - I was a little concerned for my well being. That's a fucking HORRIBLE feeling, let me tell you. And one reason I insist upon meeting in a public place. If I had known that the conversation was going to go down in that way, I would've never gotten out of my car.
Driving home, I got really angry...at myself mostly. It seems as though every guy I get excited about, let's me down. Is the cure to that becoming totally jaded? How fair is it to go on a first date with someone and not at least try. Lord knows I've been on some lousy dates, but to my credit I do really try to engage and be funny, even if I'm not feeling the person. (Unless, you're him...then all bets are off.) Was this just some kind of big elaborate plan just to get me into bed - be super nice for several days so my guard is down, because you are so great that I will automatically drop my panties within 5 minutes of actually meeting you?!
I called my friend for a little feminine therapy, because sometimes it's nice to hear other people swear and make fun of people they don't know. I then asked the age old question from most singles - "Why don't you and your husband have any cute single guy friends? Can you get on that please?" Needless to say, that then sparked a whole facebook friend overhaul and now the quest is on to find a non-creeper for their friend Miz Adventures.
God help us.
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
High hopes for date night
I have another first date tonight. I'm trying to remain optomistic, but it really is getting a little...old. I admit it, I'm jaded. Completely and utterly jaded. I'm trying so desperately not to imagine all of the bad things I know I will find in this guy - starting with his tender young age. (Why I am attracted to guys 10 years my junior when I *know* this will not work out?! And, why for the love of all things holy, are they attracted to me?!)
Pro's:
He's tall.
Has a good job.
2 degrees - both in the science field, so he's intelligent.
He spells everything correctly.
He has man hands.
He volunteered in Africa building schools, so he knows how to use those man hands.
He has amazing green eyes.
He made me laugh.
He kept my attention on the phone, and offered up details about his family without hesitation.
He's a transplant to this area, so that opens a ton of new adventure.
He lives alone.
He complimented me on my own language skills and said I had a sexy voice.
He likes sports.
Con's:
His age. He's 26. I'm not.
His parents died when he was young, and he's an only child. Not a happy childhood.
He seems a little too excited to meet me. (This is scary.)
He had two degrees by the time he was 19.
He has three bullet wounds from doing medic work in Afganistan with the military.
The age thing has been acknowledged by both of us. It's not that big of a deal for me now, but I can see it being one if things work out. For him, he said that he's always gravitated towards older women because he's experienced so much in life thus far, that he has nothing in common with women his own age. In speaking with him, he is on the more mature side...but he looks like a baby!
Hmmmm...I should probably just chill out and go with the flow, right? Right.
Pro's:
He's tall.
Has a good job.
2 degrees - both in the science field, so he's intelligent.
He spells everything correctly.
He has man hands.
He volunteered in Africa building schools, so he knows how to use those man hands.
He has amazing green eyes.
He made me laugh.
He kept my attention on the phone, and offered up details about his family without hesitation.
He's a transplant to this area, so that opens a ton of new adventure.
He lives alone.
He complimented me on my own language skills and said I had a sexy voice.
He likes sports.
Con's:
His age. He's 26. I'm not.
His parents died when he was young, and he's an only child. Not a happy childhood.
He seems a little too excited to meet me. (This is scary.)
He had two degrees by the time he was 19.
He has three bullet wounds from doing medic work in Afganistan with the military.
The age thing has been acknowledged by both of us. It's not that big of a deal for me now, but I can see it being one if things work out. For him, he said that he's always gravitated towards older women because he's experienced so much in life thus far, that he has nothing in common with women his own age. In speaking with him, he is on the more mature side...but he looks like a baby!
Hmmmm...I should probably just chill out and go with the flow, right? Right.
Sunday, November 27, 2011
An update from dates past...
Men have come and gone, but some are like fruit flies - resilient little boogers that will WILL NOT go away. And, I seem to be the sickingly sweet nectar they are attracted to. HA!
The Pube Nazi. Our first, and only real-life meeting was in June, not long after I started into the realm of on-line dating. He texted me again shortly after telling me that we weren't a match because of my chosen down-there hair style. Although I have not had the crazy, mind-blowing sex that I joked I would have with him...I still get little text messages from him at least once a week. I usually reply back with something cute or smart, just enough to keep him entertained. That hook I have into him must hurt by now.
Our last interaction was today:
Pube Nazi: I hope you had a great Thanksgiving. Maybe this week we can go out to dinner and you can see the new house.
Me: My holiday was lovely. Thank you for asking - that's so sweet. I still can't move from all of the food that went into my belly.
Pube Nazi: LOL. I can't eat that much.
Me: Why?! Are you on a diet?
Pube Nazi: Trying to keep my girlish figure.
Me: That is such a manly statement, I don't even have any kind of reply.
Pube Nazi: I know all the right things to say.
Indeed. I'll let the conversation fizzle out at that. I have no intention of seeing him again, but I'm (oddly) enjoying this game we seem to be playing. I must say though, he is one of the most strikingly good looking people I have ever laid eyes on, so it is kind of a shame.
The Fucktard. Oh Fucktard...you REALLY didn't play your cards right. The dual personality is such a turn off, as is the passive aggressive behavior that you've displayed recently. I did not let him help me move, even though I thought about it long and hard. Several weeks ago, he started stalking my profile, sending me ":)" and ";)" via the email system. Not much to respond to, buddy. So, I've ignored...I mean, if you can't put a sentence together - why should I be bothered? About a week ago I got this: "So, you obviously don't want me the way that I want you. I've tried so hard to get your attention and start over. Please contact me!" A-huh.
Mr. 1%. I thought I made it clear that I was not interested in your brand of Republican'ism? Stop. Please. Mr. 1% has updated me on all the new and "interesting" things in his daily life since our date. I have seen pictures of his Christmas tree, his favorite ornament and the new cocktail that he created...he also sent me descriptive texts about his Thanksgiving meal, his last workout and his plans for this evening (take out, beer and football). In none of those messages did he ask a single thing about myself. He just really, really digs himself!
One of these days, I will write about the Morsel Guy. He was a Craigslist find and recently started contacting me again - but he's being very subtle about it - so I'm letting that train wreck play out.
The Pube Nazi. Our first, and only real-life meeting was in June, not long after I started into the realm of on-line dating. He texted me again shortly after telling me that we weren't a match because of my chosen down-there hair style. Although I have not had the crazy, mind-blowing sex that I joked I would have with him...I still get little text messages from him at least once a week. I usually reply back with something cute or smart, just enough to keep him entertained. That hook I have into him must hurt by now.
Our last interaction was today:
Pube Nazi: I hope you had a great Thanksgiving. Maybe this week we can go out to dinner and you can see the new house.
Me: My holiday was lovely. Thank you for asking - that's so sweet. I still can't move from all of the food that went into my belly.
Pube Nazi: LOL. I can't eat that much.
Me: Why?! Are you on a diet?
Pube Nazi: Trying to keep my girlish figure.
Me: That is such a manly statement, I don't even have any kind of reply.
Pube Nazi: I know all the right things to say.
Indeed. I'll let the conversation fizzle out at that. I have no intention of seeing him again, but I'm (oddly) enjoying this game we seem to be playing. I must say though, he is one of the most strikingly good looking people I have ever laid eyes on, so it is kind of a shame.
The Fucktard. Oh Fucktard...you REALLY didn't play your cards right. The dual personality is such a turn off, as is the passive aggressive behavior that you've displayed recently. I did not let him help me move, even though I thought about it long and hard. Several weeks ago, he started stalking my profile, sending me ":)" and ";)" via the email system. Not much to respond to, buddy. So, I've ignored...I mean, if you can't put a sentence together - why should I be bothered? About a week ago I got this: "So, you obviously don't want me the way that I want you. I've tried so hard to get your attention and start over. Please contact me!" A-huh.
Mr. 1%. I thought I made it clear that I was not interested in your brand of Republican'ism? Stop. Please. Mr. 1% has updated me on all the new and "interesting" things in his daily life since our date. I have seen pictures of his Christmas tree, his favorite ornament and the new cocktail that he created...he also sent me descriptive texts about his Thanksgiving meal, his last workout and his plans for this evening (take out, beer and football). In none of those messages did he ask a single thing about myself. He just really, really digs himself!
One of these days, I will write about the Morsel Guy. He was a Craigslist find and recently started contacting me again - but he's being very subtle about it - so I'm letting that train wreck play out.
Monday, November 21, 2011
"I'm perfect."
Never did two words send such a horrid chill down my spine as those two did tonight. "I'm perfect."
Perfect for what?! For yourself? For the world? For all of the throes of women batting down your door? You've been single how long? Oh, 8 years...yeah...well, chances are - YOU'RE NOT PERFECT!
And why exactly did I agree to go on a date with you?!
Yes - the date started out by the guy telling me he was perfect. I actually tried to counter balance, asking him if he meant perfectly imperfect. Nope. He has his shit together, lives a wonderful life and is PERFECT. And, here Mr. Perfect are the reasons you are not perfect, from a woman batty enough not to catch on to the warning signs beforehand:
1. You have bad teeth...unless you live in England, that's not allowed.
2. You have two earrings, and you wear hoops.
3. You shoo'ed the waitress.
4. You walked out on your girlfriend without giving her a reason or a response. (Interesting share, no?)
5. You couldn't read my body language AT ALL.
6. You couldn't remember something I had repeated twice.
7. You talked over me.
8. You were late.
9. You don't drink. (Avoid people who don't drink!!!)
10. You told me that I was going to hell for saying that drinking a glass of wine with dinner is OK.
11. You insulted me no less than 5 times about my upbringing, my job choice, my lack of a formal education, my musical abilities and my choice of a hot chocolate over coffee.
12. You started arguing with me over my opinion of not wanting to have children until I was in a stable, committed relationship - or ever.
I'm sure that if I spent more than 20 minutes with him, I could have more to add to the list - but after giving him several chances at redeeming himself, *I* decided that I didn't like his style of "perfect" and walked out.
I need a new list of questions to ask before meeting someone because something is getting lost in translation here....or I really am a huge loser magnet!
Perfect for what?! For yourself? For the world? For all of the throes of women batting down your door? You've been single how long? Oh, 8 years...yeah...well, chances are - YOU'RE NOT PERFECT!
And why exactly did I agree to go on a date with you?!
Yes - the date started out by the guy telling me he was perfect. I actually tried to counter balance, asking him if he meant perfectly imperfect. Nope. He has his shit together, lives a wonderful life and is PERFECT. And, here Mr. Perfect are the reasons you are not perfect, from a woman batty enough not to catch on to the warning signs beforehand:
1. You have bad teeth...unless you live in England, that's not allowed.
2. You have two earrings, and you wear hoops.
3. You shoo'ed the waitress.
4. You walked out on your girlfriend without giving her a reason or a response. (Interesting share, no?)
5. You couldn't read my body language AT ALL.
6. You couldn't remember something I had repeated twice.
7. You talked over me.
8. You were late.
9. You don't drink. (Avoid people who don't drink!!!)
10. You told me that I was going to hell for saying that drinking a glass of wine with dinner is OK.
11. You insulted me no less than 5 times about my upbringing, my job choice, my lack of a formal education, my musical abilities and my choice of a hot chocolate over coffee.
12. You started arguing with me over my opinion of not wanting to have children until I was in a stable, committed relationship - or ever.
I'm sure that if I spent more than 20 minutes with him, I could have more to add to the list - but after giving him several chances at redeeming himself, *I* decided that I didn't like his style of "perfect" and walked out.
I need a new list of questions to ask before meeting someone because something is getting lost in translation here....or I really am a huge loser magnet!
I'm about ready to stereotype all finance guys...like I do accountants!
Over the last several months of dating, I've been out with a number of guys who work in "finance." Finance is such a loosely used term. I mean, it could mean banking (as in...I'm a teller!), or investments, financial planning, insurance and even real estate. In the realm of *my* dating, when I've met someone in finance, I usually get a guy who is not only full of himself, arrogant and rude, but also incredibly boring and sometimes a little creepy (referencing this post, date #1). It's very hard not to remind some people that everyone's shit stinks.
(I must say though...the one who slipped through my fingers was an investment broker. Its funny because life got in the way of us connecting. His friend committed suicide and he became very introverted afterwards - and it's such a shame, because I think about him from time to time. I may have just peeked at his facebook profile too. Shhhhh....don't tell.)
My last date with a guy in finance didn't go very well.
In fact, my eyes may still have that glassed over look to them because I feel like I'm still recovering.
He was late. STRIKE ONE. He lied about his height. STRIKE TWO. And, he proceeded to talk about himself, politics, the economy, health care and the 1%, and why they shouldn't have to pay taxes, for over an hour. STRIKE THREE!!! I'm not afraid of hot button issues, but wowza. About 10 minutes into the conversation, he very smugly asked me if I knew who "owned" the Federal Reserve - probably because he wanted to prove how smart he was. My response, as dead-panned as possible, was "The Federal Reserve is a private entity run by Ben Bernanki." Silence on his end followed by a "Yes. You're right."
Yeah. I know. I'm not the idiot that you thought I was...and if you tried speaking to me, you might actually see that. And yet, even with the outward change in my body language and the fact that I was staring at the clock, he still didn't let up on being a self-absorbed douchebag. At one point, the female bartender came over and put another blue moon in front of me. I looked at her questionably and whispered "I didn't order this." She replied with "I know honey. But you need it...and it's on me."
Rolling. On. The. Floor. Laughing!
After the hour-long monologue, Mr. Finance then got out of his seat, but his hand on my knee and asked me what I would think if he asked me back to his house.
"I thought we were on the same page when I was thinking that we weren't really feeling each other."
Then, the excuses started: he broke his own rule of talking more than he listened; he's a really nice guy if I just gave him a chance; he didn't want to push too fast...just a drink on the couch and no hanky-panky; girls need to relax a little and not judge every guy on the "relationship scale"; oh, I'm not saying you're basing your decision on the relationship scale; I think you're pretty and maybe we can go on another date...etc. Again, I didn't get to say a word during any of that portion of the date either. However I did get up, put my coat on and walk towards the door, with him at my heels. Are you sure you won't change your mind? I'm really great in bed. You won't be disappointed.
"You get to your car in safe manner. It was nice to meet you. Best of luck on your future endeavors."
The End. Or so I thought...unfortunately, he knows my number and how to text. A lot. What really sucks about the whole thing is that I met him at my favorite bar and now I'm afraid to go back there!
(I must say though...the one who slipped through my fingers was an investment broker. Its funny because life got in the way of us connecting. His friend committed suicide and he became very introverted afterwards - and it's such a shame, because I think about him from time to time. I may have just peeked at his facebook profile too. Shhhhh....don't tell.)
My last date with a guy in finance didn't go very well.
In fact, my eyes may still have that glassed over look to them because I feel like I'm still recovering.
He was late. STRIKE ONE. He lied about his height. STRIKE TWO. And, he proceeded to talk about himself, politics, the economy, health care and the 1%, and why they shouldn't have to pay taxes, for over an hour. STRIKE THREE!!! I'm not afraid of hot button issues, but wowza. About 10 minutes into the conversation, he very smugly asked me if I knew who "owned" the Federal Reserve - probably because he wanted to prove how smart he was. My response, as dead-panned as possible, was "The Federal Reserve is a private entity run by Ben Bernanki." Silence on his end followed by a "Yes. You're right."
Yeah. I know. I'm not the idiot that you thought I was...and if you tried speaking to me, you might actually see that. And yet, even with the outward change in my body language and the fact that I was staring at the clock, he still didn't let up on being a self-absorbed douchebag. At one point, the female bartender came over and put another blue moon in front of me. I looked at her questionably and whispered "I didn't order this." She replied with "I know honey. But you need it...and it's on me."
Rolling. On. The. Floor. Laughing!
After the hour-long monologue, Mr. Finance then got out of his seat, but his hand on my knee and asked me what I would think if he asked me back to his house.
"I thought we were on the same page when I was thinking that we weren't really feeling each other."
Then, the excuses started: he broke his own rule of talking more than he listened; he's a really nice guy if I just gave him a chance; he didn't want to push too fast...just a drink on the couch and no hanky-panky; girls need to relax a little and not judge every guy on the "relationship scale"; oh, I'm not saying you're basing your decision on the relationship scale; I think you're pretty and maybe we can go on another date...etc. Again, I didn't get to say a word during any of that portion of the date either. However I did get up, put my coat on and walk towards the door, with him at my heels. Are you sure you won't change your mind? I'm really great in bed. You won't be disappointed.
"You get to your car in safe manner. It was nice to meet you. Best of luck on your future endeavors."
The End. Or so I thought...unfortunately, he knows my number and how to text. A lot. What really sucks about the whole thing is that I met him at my favorite bar and now I'm afraid to go back there!
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
The 8 month blow off
I started my quest for love via internet dating (laugh along with me, please!) in March 2011. On my first day on line, this guy started chatting with me. The conversation wasn't deep, it wasn't sexual - it just...was. Although I like to keep my profile somewhat vague, his was even more vague. No useful information what-so-ever. He doesn't live anywhere near my town, but travels in for work a couple times a month. That immediately sent a red flag up, and thus began the 8-month excuse parade.
It almost became a game.
On Monday morning, he'd message me and ask me if I wanted to get dinner. A couple of hours later I would reply with one of my planned excuses:
1-3. Work event and/or working late/early morning
4. Family dinner/party
5. Previous plans with friends
6. Car problems
7. Sick pets
8. Board Meeting
9. Upset stomach
10. Dating someone (such a lie, but it works!)
11. The President will be on TV
12. Yoga/Gym time
13. Someones coming over to fix my insert item here
14. The weather is supposed to be bad
15. I didn't shower today
And even with that ridiculousness, he still continued to contact me. For 8 months he took the rejection like a man and it didn't phase him. How could I be such a bitch when all he wanted was to sit down and have a beer? So, I finally agreed.
Then, I got really nervous. I made this guy wait 8 months for a fucking meeting!!! For 8 months he put me on a pedestal and now *he* would be the one judging *me* and my personality! What if I made him wait that long and I didn't live up to his standards? What a waste of time on his part...for some reason, thinking that I was the cause of making someone waste time really got to me. All I could do was be myself. Novel thinking, eh?
And it was great.
Hmmmmmm...what was that Miz Adventures?
I said the date was great. God damn it!
I got to the bar a little early, started a tab and ordered a Guinness. About two minutes after my drink arrived, I felt a hand on my shoulder. I turned around slowly and there he stood - like a prince off his stallion. It was one of those rare times when I was pleasantly surprised that the guy was actually much better looking than his picture would indicate. When he sat down, I really got to take a good look at him. Strong jaw, nice eyes, really nice mouth, wide shoulders, thick arms...probably about 6'1''. He wore a baseball cap that I assumed was hiding a bit of a receding hairline (and I was right - but not anything that made me gasp). He also dressed well, smelled nice and had on new shoes.
He made me belly laugh and provided simple gestures that made me smile, like when he asked to look at my ring then held my hand for a second longer than I expected. Throughout the conversation, we physically grew closer and closer until our legs touched and our body language provided just enough of a barrier to keep the bartender and other bar patrons away. He told me that he knew he had to meet me when I said "it's a shit show" describing a part of our town.
At the end of the night he walked me to my car.
I can't believe that I was so stubborn about meeting him, but really - a 2 hour drive is a long distance. I asked him when he would be in the area again and it won't be until after Thanksgiving. I'm disappointed...but I can't act like it because I'm trying to just be cool and go with the flow. He's a great guy, and totally my type. For the time being, we have a standing date for whenever he's in town next.
I'm going to try to remain realistic and treat this whole thing with caution because he did truly have a great time with him.
It almost became a game.
On Monday morning, he'd message me and ask me if I wanted to get dinner. A couple of hours later I would reply with one of my planned excuses:
1-3. Work event and/or working late/early morning
4. Family dinner/party
5. Previous plans with friends
6. Car problems
7. Sick pets
8. Board Meeting
9. Upset stomach
10. Dating someone (such a lie, but it works!)
11. The President will be on TV
12. Yoga/Gym time
13. Someones coming over to fix my insert item here
14. The weather is supposed to be bad
15. I didn't shower today
And even with that ridiculousness, he still continued to contact me. For 8 months he took the rejection like a man and it didn't phase him. How could I be such a bitch when all he wanted was to sit down and have a beer? So, I finally agreed.
Then, I got really nervous. I made this guy wait 8 months for a fucking meeting!!! For 8 months he put me on a pedestal and now *he* would be the one judging *me* and my personality! What if I made him wait that long and I didn't live up to his standards? What a waste of time on his part...for some reason, thinking that I was the cause of making someone waste time really got to me. All I could do was be myself. Novel thinking, eh?
And it was great.
Hmmmmmm...what was that Miz Adventures?
I said the date was great. God damn it!
I got to the bar a little early, started a tab and ordered a Guinness. About two minutes after my drink arrived, I felt a hand on my shoulder. I turned around slowly and there he stood - like a prince off his stallion. It was one of those rare times when I was pleasantly surprised that the guy was actually much better looking than his picture would indicate. When he sat down, I really got to take a good look at him. Strong jaw, nice eyes, really nice mouth, wide shoulders, thick arms...probably about 6'1''. He wore a baseball cap that I assumed was hiding a bit of a receding hairline (and I was right - but not anything that made me gasp). He also dressed well, smelled nice and had on new shoes.
He made me belly laugh and provided simple gestures that made me smile, like when he asked to look at my ring then held my hand for a second longer than I expected. Throughout the conversation, we physically grew closer and closer until our legs touched and our body language provided just enough of a barrier to keep the bartender and other bar patrons away. He told me that he knew he had to meet me when I said "it's a shit show" describing a part of our town.
At the end of the night he walked me to my car.
I can't believe that I was so stubborn about meeting him, but really - a 2 hour drive is a long distance. I asked him when he would be in the area again and it won't be until after Thanksgiving. I'm disappointed...but I can't act like it because I'm trying to just be cool and go with the flow. He's a great guy, and totally my type. For the time being, we have a standing date for whenever he's in town next.
I'm going to try to remain realistic and treat this whole thing with caution because he did truly have a great time with him.
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
I thought that having a guy proof and make changes to my profile would magically make the dating...better.
Several weeks ago, I spied a hilarious interview that fellow blogger Sophie did with a gentleman named Arlequin. I thought I would ask Arlequin for some help on my internet dating profile, since what I have on there didn't seem to be doing me much good. We emailed back and forth. I revealed my identity. (Yikes!) He, kindly gave me some genuine feedback which I gladly accepted. I will say that I am not surprised that he thought I should change my picture to one that had my boobs on display!
After taking out some of my interests - "Who are you trying to attract, a woman?" - and spicing up the body of the profile with a "call to action," I unveiled the new profile for interested men.
It's hasn't done a lick of good!
My first date was with a guy who reminded me of a young John Lennon, minus the long hair. We chatted for a couple of days and then he very spur of the moment asked if I was free one night - that he wanted to buy me dinner and drinks. We chose a sports bar and met up. During the entire date, he stared at me. I totally didn't realize that I had entered a staring competition! I tried to keep the mood light, cracking jokes and telling stories, but all he did was stare. Finally, after our bill was settled I got up to leave, and he said "So...do you want to go back to your place and fuck?"
Um...no. You are a creeper. And who asks a woman that?!
Funny part in that whole story is that my phone then decided that it should suggest that I should be friends with this guy on facebook, so after knowing only his first name I then got a glimpse into why he didn't reveal (and I didn't ask) what his last name is. Tinkler. As in, taking a tinkle. The funniest part is that his first name is another word for the part that guys hold while taking a tinkle! That pretty much explains why this kid has such problems. He must have very hateful parents.
Second date was with a guy who claimed to be a photographer at our local paper. He showed up on our date with his wedding ring on display. Super! Hearing him explain his reasoning, after I called him out on it, (his wife left him 2 years ago and his daughter thinks it's his fault, so he still wears his ring for her) sent douche chills down my spine. Luckily, I didn't have to make up an excuse to leave because we had planned this date around his son's wrestling match that night, so I knew I would only have to suffer for an hour. He proceeded to take the ring off and put it in his pocket, even after I told him that he didn't have to - I mean, when you return home after your date, and you've lost your wedding ring, you will certainly be forced to eat shit.
After saying "so long, have a great life" I continued to get emails from him into the wee hours of the morning that went unanswered on my end.
The next day, around lunchtime I got this from him, and I quote..."Hey listen. I had a great time and your such a great girl. I now realize that I am not ready to move on at this point. I may never be. I am sorry but I can not date any one at this time. I need to work out many issues in my life and I can not get involved with anyone. Take care and good luck. Your a great catch. Don't settle for just any guy!"
I immediately replied with "Hard to date anyone when you have a wife at home." As soon as I clicked the send button, the email bounced back to me with a MAILER-DAEMON failure saying the email was inactive. He then deleted his online profile. That's a lot of hoops to jump through just to try to cheat on your wife. You might as well just pay for a hooker. I'm not even too upset that I was lied to and all that bullshit - I'm much more angry about the fact that he thinks that I may "settle for just any guy." Dude, if that was the case then I'd probably be married with a bunch of kids right now, just like...ummm....YOU.
Third time's a charm? I'm totally using "air quotes" on this one, because it's hardly a "date" but for the sake of this "post," we'll just "call it that." After the married guy, I started chatting with some other dude who was closer to my age and had all the superficial requirements that I look for - tall, dark, successful. We spoke on the phone a couple of times and after a long day at work, he asked me to meet him out at Starbucks. I didn't want to. I hadn't showered that day and I really didn't feel like socializing, but he was persistent about wanting to meet me, so I quickly showered, got my act together and put on a happy face. He was waiting in his car (a Lexus) when I got there and got out to greet me in the parking lot.
The exchange went a little something like this:
Me: Hi xxx! Nice to meet you.
Him: You too...it's so great to now have a face to put with a name.
Me: So, do you want to go inside and get a coffee?
Him: I can not drink another cup of coffee today.
Me: (in my head) So, why the fuck did you ask me to come out tonight and waste my time?!
Him: I just wanted to see your face.
Me: OK then. I'm going to head home.
Him: Maybe we can get together on Tuesday and go out for a nice dinner.
Me: Yeah, we'll see.
Him: It was really nice to meet you.
Me: Yup.
I got back into my car, a mere 60 seconds later and drove home. No more than 3 minutes passed when I got a text from him asking if I wanted to come over his house to watch a movie. I declined. He responded that he thought I was pretty, but he didn't want to invest any more time in chatting without seeing if I actually represented myself correctly.
I get it. I really do. I remember how I felt when I met that guy who misrepresented himself so severely that I almost threw up in my mouth. But, if I passed your little attractiveness test, then you should have just agreed to go inside the coffee shop for a few moments to get to know me a little better! Instead, you were looking for some kind of messed up booty call.
As much as I would like to say that I am done with internet dating, I still have the hope that someone will come into my life and surprise the hell out of me. Until then, I have two words that keep me going...BLOG FODDER.
Oh, and I changed my profile again to reflect more about me and my personality since trying it Arlequin's way was a huge fail. :)
After taking out some of my interests - "Who are you trying to attract, a woman?" - and spicing up the body of the profile with a "call to action," I unveiled the new profile for interested men.
It's hasn't done a lick of good!
My first date was with a guy who reminded me of a young John Lennon, minus the long hair. We chatted for a couple of days and then he very spur of the moment asked if I was free one night - that he wanted to buy me dinner and drinks. We chose a sports bar and met up. During the entire date, he stared at me. I totally didn't realize that I had entered a staring competition! I tried to keep the mood light, cracking jokes and telling stories, but all he did was stare. Finally, after our bill was settled I got up to leave, and he said "So...do you want to go back to your place and fuck?"
Um...no. You are a creeper. And who asks a woman that?!
Funny part in that whole story is that my phone then decided that it should suggest that I should be friends with this guy on facebook, so after knowing only his first name I then got a glimpse into why he didn't reveal (and I didn't ask) what his last name is. Tinkler. As in, taking a tinkle. The funniest part is that his first name is another word for the part that guys hold while taking a tinkle! That pretty much explains why this kid has such problems. He must have very hateful parents.
Second date was with a guy who claimed to be a photographer at our local paper. He showed up on our date with his wedding ring on display. Super! Hearing him explain his reasoning, after I called him out on it, (his wife left him 2 years ago and his daughter thinks it's his fault, so he still wears his ring for her) sent douche chills down my spine. Luckily, I didn't have to make up an excuse to leave because we had planned this date around his son's wrestling match that night, so I knew I would only have to suffer for an hour. He proceeded to take the ring off and put it in his pocket, even after I told him that he didn't have to - I mean, when you return home after your date, and you've lost your wedding ring, you will certainly be forced to eat shit.
After saying "so long, have a great life" I continued to get emails from him into the wee hours of the morning that went unanswered on my end.
The next day, around lunchtime I got this from him, and I quote..."Hey listen. I had a great time and your such a great girl. I now realize that I am not ready to move on at this point. I may never be. I am sorry but I can not date any one at this time. I need to work out many issues in my life and I can not get involved with anyone. Take care and good luck. Your a great catch. Don't settle for just any guy!"
I immediately replied with "Hard to date anyone when you have a wife at home." As soon as I clicked the send button, the email bounced back to me with a MAILER-DAEMON failure saying the email was inactive. He then deleted his online profile. That's a lot of hoops to jump through just to try to cheat on your wife. You might as well just pay for a hooker. I'm not even too upset that I was lied to and all that bullshit - I'm much more angry about the fact that he thinks that I may "settle for just any guy." Dude, if that was the case then I'd probably be married with a bunch of kids right now, just like...ummm....YOU.
Third time's a charm? I'm totally using "air quotes" on this one, because it's hardly a "date" but for the sake of this "post," we'll just "call it that." After the married guy, I started chatting with some other dude who was closer to my age and had all the superficial requirements that I look for - tall, dark, successful. We spoke on the phone a couple of times and after a long day at work, he asked me to meet him out at Starbucks. I didn't want to. I hadn't showered that day and I really didn't feel like socializing, but he was persistent about wanting to meet me, so I quickly showered, got my act together and put on a happy face. He was waiting in his car (a Lexus) when I got there and got out to greet me in the parking lot.
The exchange went a little something like this:
Me: Hi xxx! Nice to meet you.
Him: You too...it's so great to now have a face to put with a name.
Me: So, do you want to go inside and get a coffee?
Him: I can not drink another cup of coffee today.
Me: (in my head) So, why the fuck did you ask me to come out tonight and waste my time?!
Him: I just wanted to see your face.
Me: OK then. I'm going to head home.
Him: Maybe we can get together on Tuesday and go out for a nice dinner.
Me: Yeah, we'll see.
Him: It was really nice to meet you.
Me: Yup.
I got back into my car, a mere 60 seconds later and drove home. No more than 3 minutes passed when I got a text from him asking if I wanted to come over his house to watch a movie. I declined. He responded that he thought I was pretty, but he didn't want to invest any more time in chatting without seeing if I actually represented myself correctly.
I get it. I really do. I remember how I felt when I met that guy who misrepresented himself so severely that I almost threw up in my mouth. But, if I passed your little attractiveness test, then you should have just agreed to go inside the coffee shop for a few moments to get to know me a little better! Instead, you were looking for some kind of messed up booty call.
As much as I would like to say that I am done with internet dating, I still have the hope that someone will come into my life and surprise the hell out of me. Until then, I have two words that keep me going...BLOG FODDER.
Oh, and I changed my profile again to reflect more about me and my personality since trying it Arlequin's way was a huge fail. :)
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